The Space Lizard Next Door

Funny story written by Paul Millard

Thursday, 27 February 2014


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image for The Space Lizard Next Door
From the rye eye of a scathing limey!

Is it me, or does there seem to be more people these days that might be carnivorous space lizards?

The whole space lizard concept was the brain-child (loose term) of the much celebrated football pundit and renowned bat-shit crazy person, David Icke. It goes something like this:

Flesh-eating reptile humanoids, living in underground bases around the world, have infiltrated every facet of human life and are the central players in a world-wide conspiracy. Many of the world's leaders, decision makers, cultural icons and royalty are decedents of these space lizard people - who according to Icke, originated from the Alpha Draconis star system, which is just left of Krypton and slightly before you reach the Death Star.

Where is the real downside to this theory? How fucking cool would it be to have space lizards walking around, staffing pound shops and creating government policy? Prime Minister's question time would be insane. The PM lies under a fucking giant heat lamp, with the Defence Minister shedding skin and all the back-benchers eating flies, cockroaches and other examples of junior minister. I would watch.

What is the lizard conspiracy against humans, apart from wanting to dip us in hot sauce and chow down? Seriously, what could be worse that that? Are they going to wreck our rock solid banking system? Drag us into questionable wars with other lizards from sunnier climes? Install a government no-one actually voted for and is systematically fucking us all in the arse?

How about the proliferation of an endless stream of mediocre talent shows, designed to slowly brainwash our kids into manufactured consumers who are controlled by social media and influenced by Justin Blabber and Miley Montana?

Seriously… is that the best shot they have? We're already living that shit and guess what, I'm still fucking standing.

And if their plan is to simply turn Earth into a galactic fast-food chain, what's so wrong with eating humans? It wasn't long ago people were losing their stupid minds about eating tuna because the nets were also catching dolphins and asylum seekers. We can't eat swan, only the Queen can and David Icke has already ousted dear Lizzy as a space reptaloid.

Monkey Chunks don't actually exist, but sound yummy, and beef will send you crazy from cow, hoof, swine-avian flu or some shit.

Perhaps it's time to enter a new food group into the mix and get ourselves some earlobe stew with dick mash. If we have any doubts on the health implications of eating orange-coloured Essex drones, try feeding it to those fucks on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here - they'll swallow anything in return for a contract to sell frozen food on national television.

How about when these space lizards die, just think about what we could do with the skin. You could have a lizard-skin suit made from the remains of David Cameron, a bunch of nice wallets from Prince Phillip, how about a whole fucking closet from the Kardashians? We need to do something with these things, why not recycle and look fashionable all at the same time.

I guess what's more worrying is not so much the prospect of space reptiles controlling the planet via their New World Order, but the fact that so many people are gullible enough to believe such horse-shit.

I've done minimal research into this, I figure why bother to verify facts on space creatures that live underground and hold civil service jobs, I can make up my own fucking figures and band them around as nailed-on fact.

With that said, and from the little research I did achieve, it seems some 47 countries have vocal supporters of David Icke's theories and rainbow-thinking bollocks. Icke himself regularly preaches the word to hoards of paying clowns crowds. The guy has built a very nice line in seminars, books, and public addresses. It's amazing, such influence and power sounds vaguely lizard-like. Maybe Icke is nothing but a scaly-skinned fucking traitor to his own people… lizards… whatever!

Perhaps the best statistic comes from our beloved brothers and sisters across the pond. A poll taken in 2013 calculated that over 4% of Americans believed in David Icke's theories - I'm guessing that 4% were all lizards.

The truth is out there.

Paul Millard 2014

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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