America's Homeless Problem: The Final Solution

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 2 December 2013

image for America's Homeless Problem: The Final Solution

America's Homeless Problem: The Final Solution.

By General Wolfgang Puck America Heritage Foundation.
"We Offer Final Solutions To America's Problems."

Every day there are over 3.5 million people in the United States that are homeless. Of course, many of them are hungry. As part of what is increasingly called the "war on the homeless" local governments and businesses are united in trying to beautify cities by sweeping the destitute off the sidewalks along with the trash.

It most cities it is a crime to be homeless. New ordinances are being enacted and police sometimes use draconian methods to enforce them. Activities of charitable homeless caregivers have been criminalized. It is a crime to give food to the poor in many cities. The rationale, as explained by City Manager Peter Savage, is "Better to let them starve than be parasites."

Sadly, In the U.S., Municipal, State and Federal governments are helpless in meeting the desperate human needs of the homeless.

Given their hopeless plight, coupled with the pathetic inability of states and municipalities to cope with the problem, it is clear that a final national solution is in order. At the outset, the homeless must be rounded up and sent to internment camps just as the Japanese were in World War II and today to immigrants from Central America.

One-room, eighteen square foot plywood huts can be provided the homeless in camps throughout the U.S. just as many were for the Japanese during their internment during WWII. Too living in tents on military bases is a solution sto be enterstained. The cramped quarters will be preferable to sleeping on America's streets. For every square block of houses or tents a shower can be provided. Coupled with the suggestions offered below, this will provide humane treatment for our American Homeland Homeless Citizens.

President Rump must invoke Executive Order 1101, which allows the Federal Government to take over all health, education, and welfare functions. The Office Of Emergency Planning, FEMA, and the United States Army can administer the program, aided by the CIA, NSA, Delta Forces, Navy Seals and Guantanamo Bay physicians and psychologists.

My plan includes employment: Work will give our homeless dignity; this is particularly true with children, young or older. Work done by the camp inmates will come from trans-national corporations and other businesses, as is currently the case in America's private prisons. d Indeed, all services provided in the camps will be privatized in accordance with the customs of unregulated capitalism. Minimum wage laws will not apply in order to give a powerful incentive for free enterprise to provide labor for the concentration camp prisoners.

As it did during World War II for Nazi Germany, IBM will keep records on prisoner labor activity. Speaking of Nazi Germany, the entrances to the American concentration camps for the homeless shall have the words, ""Arbeit macht frei" a German phrase meaning "work makes you free." I cannot emphasize enough the role that work will play in the internment camps. The inability of the American economy to provide employment for homeless millions will be mitigated by establishment of the camps.

The Secretary Of The Army will oversee a federal registry of the homeless. Congress shall pass a law depriving them of all rights and the current reactionary Supreme Court will ratify this law. This will enable police and military to arrest the homeless at will without needless interference from Constitutional freedoms and rights considerations. That registry is also needed in situations where homeless prisoners escape from detention and need to be shot, and/or rounded up and sent back. (Escapees will then be subject to court martial procedures held by a camp military tribunal headed by the camp commandant).

Because of the severity of the security issue, ever facet of the homeless prisoners' existence will have to be monitored by guards and ever-present surveillance devices. Some of this was done in Nazi camps which may serve as a model for the U.S.'

Close supervision in the camps by armed personnel could be provided by private contractors such as the former Blackwater or other operatives who have necessary experience gained by working with the military in such locations as Abu Grahib and Guantanamo Bay.

Drone surveillance should be employed along with helicopters that will incessantly rumble over the camps as they now do in the ghettos of all U.S. cities.

My plan provides for security, safety, work, food, clothing and shelter for homeless Americans. This incarceration scheme embodies sacred American values and institutions such as free enterprise capitalism, our proud work ethic, the omnipresent U.S. security surveillance state, our love of the military and police, fascination with drones, and the American tradition of sweeping dangerous and severe problems under the rug and out of sight.

(Too, running these camps will provide jobs for unemployed Americans. Because the GOP controls the congress, and the program will therefore be underfunded, the new jobs created will be part-time, no-benefit, low wage affairs, just as the vast majority of new jobs now created in the U.S. are. And, remember, as our economy worsens and another economic collapse occurs, we'll need todd open more camps!)

This is America! We are a "can do" nation that can achieve the final solution to our homeless problem. Let's do it within the framework of our American heritage.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more