Space Invasion Imminent!

Written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 13 October 2013


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Home Spun 'Martian' Carrier.

A whistleblower CIA operative has broken ranks to alert the world to a coming catastrophe. Dr. Fritz Measure, an astrophysicist who once worked on the infamous HAARP project spoke at his hideout in Canada.

The CIA has since declared the program redundant but not according to Dr. Measure. He claims that Ionic Lasering Space stations orbit the earth that are fifty times more powerful than the original ground transmitter in Alaska that is used to heat the ionosphere.

"All that baloney about global warming was just a front to con the public and to get Congress to secretly fund their space programs," said Fritz.

The doctor seemed nervous and distraught as he spoke to our reporter. He had spent twelve years building what he claimed were orbiting "earth control lasers" and took great care to explain what they meant.

"We can operate these gizmos at will from NASA," he claimed. "Last week we gave Ireland a tornado, the first in its recorded history. All those nuclear reactors going down in Russia and Japan... that's us too. Remember the birds falling out of the sky in their thousands?... us. Tsunamis and hurricanes, earthquakes and climatic shifts... mostly us. Millions of dead fish washed up?... us. Schools of whales washed up mysteriously on beaches?... us. Crops failing everywhere?... us. We can control the food supplies of nations from outer space and he who controls the food supply controls all."

"But surely all that is conspiracy theory...." asked our reporter.

"Ha! That is an idea they planted in people's brains as a deterrent to intelligent scrutiny. There is no such thing as an "insane conspiracy theory" only sane speculation. Conspiracy theories don't actually exist; they are just ideas. There are only conspiracy facts. And this is one of them."

Dr. Fritz helped himself to another glass from the bottle of bourbon he had demanded in exchange for the interview. Then, in a broken voice , he repeated the message he had broadcast on Twitter and which led to his fleeing from the CIA research bunker in Arizona, where he had been living and working, and making his way North:

"The technology is top secret, been developed for the power elites who aim to take control of the world. Far out stuff like you wouldn't believe. Computers are power man. Changed everything. Every country has its mega-wealthy, liberal, power-mongers. They get together every so often to protect their interests.

"Ever hear of Bilderberg? That's just one, the one they want you to know about. There are smaller, more powerful cabals that meet on a regular basis. That's where HAARP really comes from; the American tax dollar has paid for the whole shebang.

"The technology is a hundred years ahead of anything the public knows about. I've seen it. I've worked on some of it. 9/11 was just an experiment to test how our PR Agency, the American media, would handle it.

"They did better than their controllers imagined. Even those who know it was an inside job were paralyzed into doing zilch about it and made to look like dumb-ass conspiracy theorists by their men at the top if they raised questions about the White House version of events. That means..."

Fritz's hands shook as the glass vibrated against his teeth and whiskey dribbled down his beard.

"That means... Operation Muggles Massacre will go ahead! The world will be depopulated with the help of governments everywhere. Remember the cloning experiments they did with sheep? Didn't stop there, nooo waaay... too easy, sheep can't fire a gun or mend a busted tire. They have cloned humans!!.. except they are not really humans... they are half human, half animal and half machine.

"Hollywood has been preparing you all and you didn't know. Star Trek, Independence Day, The Terminator, Aliens, Men in Black... from as far back as Mork and Mindy... need we go on? They intend... they... they will land a flying saucer on the White House Lawn. Every television set in the world will receive a transmission from its captain, just as the movies from as far back as War of the Worlds predicted they would!

"Then one of our gizmos circling the earth will... will vaporize the Statue of Liberty. At that moment the crew of the saucer will make themselves visible so that everybody will know they are real. And they will scare the bejasus out of the human race because of what they look like... just like the fictional creatures from Rockwell. But they are not real, they are man-made. Millions will panic around the world and governments everywhere will call on the USA to help them.

"O'Bama, fearless hero of the hour, will enter into negotiations with them. And a bunch of phony films made in Hollywood by Spielberg will be flashed up on screens around the world claiming to be top secret footage of real flying saucers that NASA had known about all along but were always afraid of making public to avoid mass panic. Then, there will be no doubt and the human race will fall on its knees and pray for God to intervene.

"The extra-terrestrials will demand mass exterminations to be carried out in all countries beginning with Africa. That is how they hope to bring into existence the One World Government. And that is why I am sitting here, in a Canadian motel, shit-scared, with an empty bottle."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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