America the Weird - New Polls Probe Unusual Beliefs

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Monday, 18 November 2013

image for America the Weird - New Polls Probe Unusual Beliefs
I Believe

The Washington Post recently cited a poll claiming that 55% of Americans believe that President Obama lied when he promised that people could keep their health plans.

While this sounds ominous for the President, it is not, if one understands what Americans mean when they say they believe in something.

A few examples, all true and taken from scientifically valid polls:

1. 80% of Americans say they believe in miracles. This includes the woman who found the image of Jesus in a $.50 pierogi and sold it on eBay for $1775.00.

2. 69 % of Americans believe they will go somewhere after death. Follow-up questions revealed that the smart money is on Elizabeth, New Jersey.

3. 61% of Americans believe that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone. While those who believe this denied helping Oswald themselves, they would not say who did. Operatives of the New World Order have warned them to remain silent.

4. 53 % of Americans say that God has some role in weather and related natural disasters. Duh! Said the 7'th Day Adventists.

5. 48 % of Americans are open to the idea that alien spacecraft are observing our planet. Embarrassed scientists speculate that the aliens are stubbornly searching for signs of intelligent life.

6. 38% of Americans say that they have done something because God told them to. The other 62% believe that people who talk to God with any regularity are off their meds.

7. 32% believe the spirits of the dead return. This is not as hard to believe as it might seem, if the dead are only coming from Elizabeth New Jersey.

8. 26% of Americans either believe that Barack Obama is the antichrist or say they are "not sure." The ability to dribble and sink a three-point shot are apparently signs of the antichrist.

9. 18% of Americans believe that the sun revolves around the earth. Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto, they scoffed when told that it is the earth that revolves around the sun.

10. 14% of Americans believe in Bigfoot; 7% say the moon landing was faked; and 4% agree that "shape-shifting alien reptilians control our world by taking on human form." It is probable that the aliens do not care what Americans think, only how they taste.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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