Say What?! The Sweet 16 Zaniest Tea Party Quotes

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Sunday, 10 November 2013


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Here's the 'Sweet 16' of the wackiest, zaniest, most insane of all quotes attributed with the Tea Party faithful. Are these right-wing nut/jobs dangerous? Read some of what they've said and decide for yourself:

1) ''I love that smell of the emissions!''-Sarah Palin, at a motorcycle rally in Washington, D.C., where she rode in on a Harley-Davidson on May 29, 2011. Well Sarah, when the sea water rises so high that you can't ride your bike anymore, maybe you'll actually believe Al Gore might have been spot on with his global warming theory. Until then, buy an Indian motorcycle and ditch that overpriced, overrated, over-loud H-D. And take swimming lessons. You'll need them after Alaska is covered with salt water.

2) ''O-L-I-G-A-R-H-Y.'' - Glenn Beck, misspelling 'oligarchy' on a chalk board while claiming he had deciphered a secret code that he claimed proved Barack Obama was attempting to establish an oligarchy in the USA, this occurred on the FOX News Channel, Aug. 27, 2009. This emotive political weasel also uses some kind of chemical compound to cause him to cry (see:

3) "American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." -Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell, discussing cloning with Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 2007. No matter America is so whacked out anymore. Everyone is half rodent! Small minds create small things, like these ridiculous Tea Party quotes!

4) "It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust! ... You're going to be pleasing each other. And if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?" -Christine O'Donnell, advocating against masturbation in a 1996 MTV interview. You kids have to burn all your grandfather's old Playboys, your father's old Penthouses, and use your mother's vibrator as an incineration device. And stay the hell off Internet porn sites! Quit jacking off, you lecherous little cretons! The more time you spend on Internet porn sites, the less time you're spending on The Spoof, learning to write comedy and satire!

5) "People ask me, 'What are you going to do to develop jobs in your state?' Well, that's not my job as a U.S. senator." -Sharron Angle, May 14, 2010. Well Sharron Angle, though it's true the Republican Party believes in less government, they don't believe in no government. Why even elect you - or any other person to the U.S. Senate - if government has absolutely no role in commerce, industry, trade, or the economy?

6) "I've always been fascinated by the fact that here was a relatively small country (Nazi Germany) that from a strictly military point of view accomplished incredible things." - Ohio GOP House candidate and Tea Party favorite Rich Iott, explaining why for years he donned a German Waffen SS uniform and participated in Nazi re-enactments as part of a group that calls itself Wiking, Oct. 2010. Iott later said the Nazi soldiers "were doing what they thought was right for their country." Nazism and the Tea Party seem to go together like coffee and cigarettes, or for the typical The Spoof reader, beer and cigarettes. Only a few days ago, Michael Savage, one of the most extreme right-wing whackos, had a Swastika posted on one of his facebook pages, claiming that before the Holocaust, it was a symbol of hope and strength for the German people. Unfortunately, a wee bit later, millions of people were put to death under this so-called "benign" sign. Oh well, a Swastika is still a good thing to have tattooed on your chest if you're white and you're in a nasty prison system.

7) "Do you know, where does this phrase 'separation of church and state' come from? It was not in Jefferson's letter to the Danbury Baptists. ... The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State' came out of Adolph Hitler's mouth, that's where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they're Nazis." -Glen Urquhart, the Tea Party-backed Republican nominee for the Delaware House seat held by Rep. Mike Castle, April 2010. No, actually Mr. Urquhart, I'm going to ask you why you're a Nazi? Why do all of you Tea Party whackos always quote Hitler? Why are all you tea baggers so fixated on this genocidal nutcase?

8) "I dabbled into witchcraft - I never joined a coven. But I did, I did... I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I'm not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do... One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn't know it. I mean, there's little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar." - Christine O'Donnell on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect." Yep, there's only one entity worse than Hitler to attach yourself to - that's Lucifer - and it's clear O'Donnell is speaking of the devil here. Hey Christine, did you know just a few centuries ago the powers-that-be would've burned you at the stake for saying this? Check out the history of Salem, Mass.

9) "Our nation was founded on violence. The option is on the table. I don't think that we should ever remove anything from the table as it relates to our liberties and our freedoms." -Tea Party backed Texas GOP congressional candidate Stephen Broden, suggesting the violent overthrow of the U.S. government if Republicans don't win at the ballot box, interview with Dallas's WFAA-TV, Oct. 21, 2010. Yep, that old Arlo Guthrie song "Alice's Restaurant" gave away the goods on nixing yourself for military service - just tell the recruiters you want to overthrow the U.S. government. It's an old hippy song, but it still is useful today for anyone who got knee-crawling drunk with a bunch of high school cohorts, in a blacked-out stupor visited a Marine recruiting office, and now this chickenshit wants a quick "out" before shipping out with Uncle Sam's finest warriors. But it's clear the Tea Party uses this same ploy to seek high political office. That same old, same old 'overthrow the U.S. government' song and dance ... So what are we going to do if you're elected and there's a violent overthrow of the U.S. government, Stephen Broden? Burn you at the stake like they used to do with witches? Aren't you shooting yourself in the foot here?

10) "So that's what we want is a secure and sovereign nation and, you know, I don't know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me. I don't know that. What we know, what we know about ourselves is that we are a melting pot in this country. My grandchildren are evidence of that. I'm evidence of that. I've been called the first Asian legislator in our Nevada State Assembly." -Sharron Angle, speaking to a group of Hispanic high school students, Oct. 15, 2010. To look at Angle, she appears to be a candidate for the Daughters of the American Revolution. She's about as far from being Latino or Asian as a Kenyan, Malaysian, Syrian, Tibetan, or Paraguayan national would be a good fit for Adolph Hitler's 'dream team.'

11) "We needed to have the press be our friend ... We wanted them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported." -Sharron Angle, during an interview with Fox News Channel's Carl Cameron, Aug. 2, 2010). Go talk to the New York Post about warm and fuzzy journalism, Angle. You'll be laughed out of the Big Apple. Maybe even tarred and feathered and chased out. On second thought, why don't you apply for a job as a clerk at a Dollar General? You might have better luck there, with your limited intellect. But you might want to apply to a store in a rural, redneck area. Don't go for a job in the 'hood. The customers might not like you too much there if you expound on your weird political beliefs between transactions.

12) "I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian. I was dabbling in witchcraft, I've dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didn't want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why - because I'm Italian, I love meatballs!" -Christine O'Donnell, on ''Politically Incorrect,'' July 19, 1999. What a spiritual journey! Like a red wedding at the threshold of hell! And hell's bells, even Italians wouldn't like you for saying this, and they typically love anyone who's also Italian! Oh, and Italians have that little vowel (the 'o') at the end of their names, not a higher-case 'O' at the beginning of their name. Are you sure you're not Irish, O'Donnell? And there's nothing worse than snubbing the Irish - they've got the tempers of hazardous waste incinerators! There's nothing like really pissing off two major European ethnic groups (bred particularly hot & nasty like American bulldogs) with one little inane comment, Ms. O'Donnell.

13) "Instead of handing out the welfare checks, we'll teach people how to earn their check. We'll teach them personal hygiene...the personal things they don't get when they come from dysfunctional homes. These (prisons) are beautiful properties with basketball courts, bathroom facilities, toilet facilities. Many young people would love to get the hell out of cities. You have to teach them basic things - taking care of themselves, physical fitness. In their dysfunctional environment, they never learned these things." -GOP New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, arguing that the state's poor should be housed in prisons. So listen, kiddos, commit a felony, go to prison, and learn how to brush your teeth. Yeah, prisons are wonderful places. Just ask the poor sot who just had his throat sliced with a homemade shank because he had the unmitigated gall of stealing a pack of cheese twisties from his cellie.

14) "I absolutely do not believe in the science of man-caused climate change. It's not proven by any stretch of the imagination...It's far more likely that it's just sunspot activity or just something in the geologic eons of time. Excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere 'gets sucked down by trees and helps the trees grow." -Wisconsin GOP Senate candidate Ron Johnson, Aug. 16, 2010. Johnson has also snipped, "I'm glad there is global warming." So when the sea level rises, it's probably not going to be as drastic in Wisconsin as it will be on the Atlantic or Pacific seaboard states. So you'll have plenty to crow about as the years progress the world gets hotter and hotter, the USA gets wetter and wetter, and you can go deep water diving in downtown Milwaukee, Mr. Johnson. And when the sun bakes other areas of your state into a Death Valley-type desert, all the deciduous trees will look like sticks. They won't be sucking anything. They'll be as dead as toothpicks.

15) "I don't want to be associated with those people, but I also don't want to limit their speech in any way in the sense that we tolerate boorish and uncivilized behavior because that's one of the things freedom requires is that we allow people to be boorish and uncivilized, but that doesn't mean we approve of it." -Rand Paul, taking issue with the Civil Rights Act of 1964 while arguing that government should not prevent private businesses from discriminating on the basis of race, interview with MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, May 21, 2010. So everyone in America should develop the oratory skills of a JFK or a Winston Churchill. Right? No, this is very wrong. Paul's own speaking abilities sound like that of a spider monkey jagged out on LSD. No lie. This political weasel has all the aplomb of a rabid raccoon.

16) "You'd have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you're oriented toward corpses, toward children, there are kinds of perversions," - said Rep. Louie Gohmert on why there should not be hate crime legislation. This Texas Republican also claimed that immigrant infants pose a risk to national security because someday they'll form "terrorist cells." Well, Mr. Gohmert, here at The Spoof we're a lot more twisted than wanting to have sexual relations with sheep, goats, dogs, pheasants, elephants, or cadavers. So you're not our man. And by the way, we write satire. The pen's a lot mightier than an AR-15. So just mark us all down as being a terrorist cell and leave those little immigrant children alone. We'll do the same. They're too young yet to write for The Spoof, anyhow.

Well this is just a smattering of the Tea Party's finest fruitcakes. Do you want these people in power? Well, they want to be, and it's all up to the American electorate to vote them in - don't laugh, nobody thought Hitler would amount to much and look what he did; and anybody that loves and respects Adolph as much as these tea baggers do, well, it's something to consider at the ballot box. If they take power, I'm moving to Mother Russia. I'd trust Putin more than these psychos.

Writers Note: Some of the quotes here were borrowed from research conducted by Daniel Kurtzman of the Huffington Post. (See:

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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