Top 10 Ways To Annoy The Tea Party

Written by Michael Balton

Friday, 11 October 2013

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To the Tea Party, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

The Tea Party is a group of political hacks who have hijacked Congress, shut down the government, and polluted vast stretches of the Infosphere with their antisocial notions and out of order tactics.

Sure, they were entertaining at first, offering earnest explanations of how a bill becomes a hate crime. But Tea Party demagogue Ted Cruz has stopped being funny and has become just annoying. Now it's time to get even with the top 10 ways to annoy him back.

1. Register Ted Cruz's mind as a weapon of mass delusion.

2 Move Mitch McConnell's ventriloquist act to Las Vegas.

3. Sign up John Boehner to perform as McConnell's dummy.

4. Make them finish their vegetables before they get to the red meat. The only thing that tea partiers hate more than vegetables is vegetarians.

5. Sequester Rand Paul's heart, if you can find it.

6. Every time they give Paul Ryan a standing ovation, steal their pants.

7. Lower the debt ceiling just enough so they keep banging their heads on it.

8. Instruct the "family values" party in matrimonial math. Lesson one: fourth cousins do not necessarily make good third wives.

9. Give John Boehner a political GPS system and keep him out of the sun.

10. The next time they shut down the government, make sure their fingers get caught in the door.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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