Written by rfreed

Thursday, 6 June 2013

image for The Latest Thing In Human Evolution - Interchangeable Body Parts

According to Genesis God made man out of the dust of the earth and woman out of Adam's rib - not an especially impressive start. But in the thousands of years since then things have changed and so have we humans. In Adam's and Eve's time they only needed to wear fig leaves to survive the environment until you -know -who came along. Nowadays one almost needs a suit of armor.

What would it be like if God were to make a new, improved model of man just like Ford and GM do with their cars each year? If the possibility ever comes up here are some suggestions that we would like to offer:

A removable nose - one that can be detached when one was a cold. It can then be left overnight in a warm glass of water like dentures are.

A snorkel -like appendages on the back of the head so that one can swim without taking ones head out of the water.

Removable teeth - for painless and convenient dental work. Just drop the pearly whites off and pick them up when the doc is finished.

Internal organs with quick release mechanisms for quicker and safer operations and transplants.

Collapsible or expandable bones so that it is easier to make clothing fit.

A neck with a 360 degree turning radius for easier seeing ability. Would be a real boon for car drivers, sentries, spies, and snipers.

Sliding buttocks that can be moved to whatever part of the body needs a cushion. Removable ones would make great ersatz pillows.

Retractable or enlargeable hair - so that one can change his or her hair quickly into the latest fashion.

Sexual organs relocated to the knee area for easier access and maneuverability.

Teflonized hair that would stay dry in the rain and never needs combing.

Multi -layered skin as thick as a rhinos on our feet so that we don't need shoes in any kind of weather.

A flat, horizontal bone -like area in front of stomach for holding food plates while we are eating, beverage cups when drinking, books when reading or small TV's.

Extra pair eyelids to shut out annoying lights at night. Also would come in handy when getting eye poked by the Three Stooges.

A second mouth so that one can talk and eat simultaneously. Would also be good for bulimics who want to keep on eating while they throw up.

An extendible neck for seeing over fences or into second story windows. Great for peeping Toms and private investigators.

A third hand and forearm located on the back of the neck for scratching those hard to reach places on the back.

Expandable belly buttons for easy cleaning would be a nice feature.

Double jointed knees for more sitting possibilities. They would revolutionize yoga and add an entirely new dimension to the fine art of contortion.

Interchangeable muscles for different forms of work or sport. Would also be great to have spares for athletic competitions or marathons.

Detachable arms with various other places on the body for mounting. Arms that can be put on ones back would revolutionize basketball dribbling.

Lips on end of nose to make it easier to kiss. This would also make them easier to find in the dark for secretive smooching and would form a protective buffer for when one bumps his nose.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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