Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 19 January 2013

The host of Piers Morgan Tonight interviewed the most widely-talked about college football player in America - Norte Dame's Manti Te'o.

PIERS: Well, well, well Mr. Te'o, where the heck do we start old chap?

TE'O: How about at the beginning Mr. Morgan.

PIERS: Very well then. I know that you're of Samoan descent and that you were born in Laie, Hawaii, is that correct?

TE'O: Yes.

PIERS: And your full name is Manti Malietau Louis Elmer Te'o.

TE'O: You did your homework sir.

PIERS: I find the name Elmer kind of an odd name for a Samoan - where did that name come from?

TE'O: Well you won't believe it, but my mother used to do lots of handcrafts and she would use lots of bottles of Elmer's glue.

PIERS: So she named you Elmer after Elmer's Glue? What a splendidly bloody, blimey, blooming, idea.

TE'O: Wow! that's a lot of B's.

PIERS: Yes I rather fancy alliteration. I learned it from listening to Monty Python's Flying Circus and Benny Hill back in England.

TE'O: So you're English.

PIERS: Ah no, I'm actually Japanese but I picked up this British accent when I visited Buckingham Palace during Valentine's Day back in 1993.

TE'O: Oh I get it, you're pulling my leg.

PIERS: And speaking of legs. I understand that your so-called Internet girlfriend Lennay Kekua has the prettiest legs in the entire state of Indiana.

TE'O: I can't say. I have never seen Lennay's legs.

PIERS: So if I am understanding your story right, you carried on a year long Internet relationship with a woman that you never saw?

TE'O: Yes sir. But she did send me photos of herself including one in which she was wearing a Norte Dame T-Shirt without a bra.

PIERS: My goodness lad. She could have sent you a photo of any woman - it could have been Ann Coulter, Nancy Pelosi, or that vulgar mouthed vulgarian Kathy "The Red Cougar" Griffin.

TE'O: Ann Coulter? Dammit Mr. Morgan give me a little break here huh?

PIERS: Manti, I understand that there is already a movie about you in the works. Can you talk about it?

TE'O: You betcha. The film titled Manti Te'o - The Mama of All Hoaxes is being produced by award-winning director Bellanino Terrabini. The very talented and handsome star of the Hangover series Ken Jeong is playing the part of me. Shakira and Adam Lambert are also in the movie along with Bob Dylan.

PIERS: Bob Dylan? What does he do in the film?

TE'O: Dylan stars as himself and he actually wrote the soundtrack along with Taylor "The Player" Swift.

PIERS: Well Manti Te'o, I've enjoyed meeting you and I hope that you get all of your facts together. And let me just mention that I heard it from a damn good source that President Obama has ordered Vice-President Joe Biden to form a committee of bipartisan members to get to the bottom of this entire sordid hoax mess.

SIDENOTE: Manti Te'o stated that his favorite NBA player is Tim Duncan. His favorite color is burnt sienna. And he enjoys visiting pineapple museums.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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