A List of Celebrities Who Have Already Broken Their 2013 New Year's Resolutions

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

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The New Year's fireworks are gone and so are lots of the New Year's resolutions.

Noted author Edgar Allan Poe once said that rules are made to be broken. And he should know since he had a history of breaking all kinds of rules, regulations, guidelines, and basic metaphorical musings.

Poe, whose real name was Bernardo Chang Poetic, once told a reporter with the Milwaukee Morning Mentioner, that he loved the word photosynthesis, and he tried to incorporate it into everything he wrote.

Another word he loved was the word omnipresent. He hated the words platypus, navel, and strumpet.

And now...


• Charlie Sheen - He vowed not to attend another Los Angeles Lakers game this year because he cannot take the stress of the team losing. He was seen at the recent Lakers - Nuggets game on Sunday (which the Lakers lost 112-105).

• Heidi Montag - She had said that she would not be having any type of plastic surgery until after the summer. Her hair stylist FuFi Fondue said she just went to her plastic surgeon and had two pounds removed from each love handle.

• Jennifer Aniston - Stated that she was not going to mention ex-husband Brad Pitt's name for one whole year. She appeared on the View a few days ago and told Barbara Walters that the thing she liked about her and Brad was that they both had blonde hair.

• Kirstie Alley - Her New Year's resolution was not to gain anymore weight. A close unnamed friend says that Kirstie has gained six pounds just in the past three days.

• Rihanna - The Barbados beauty said that she would take Piers Morgan's advice and stop seeing Chris Brown. She has just told Jimmy Kimmel that she and Chris are planning on getting married.

• Selena Gomez - Vowed to try and make things work out with on-again, off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber. Selena told her good friend Eva Longoria that she's had it and she is through being Bieber's nurse maid.

• Little Honey Boo Boo - The little seven-year-old told her mama that she is going to stop acting like a spoiled little brat. Two days ago she told Clint Eastwood that she's a spoiled brat and if the doesn't like it he can go somewhere and talk to a damn chair.

• Shakira - The Colombian belly dancing singer said that she has no plans to break her hips shaking record of 124 miles per hour. She was seen dancing at New York City's infamous Inebriated Kangaroo Lounge on Tuesday night, where a patron clocked her hips gyrating at 125 miles per hour.

• Ke$ha - Her New Year's resolution was to stop using so much glitter on her face. She was rushed to the hospital two days ago suffering from a case of glitter overdose.

• Anderson Cooper - He said that he is going to stop giggling like a little girl. He broke his resolution when he giggled like a little girl when Madonna said that her goal for 2013 is to kiss Anderson's sardine.

• Kat Von D - She said that she was not going to get anymore tattoos. Yesterday she showed David Letterman her brand new tattoo of Vice-President Joe Biden's face on her left upper thigh.

• Simon Cowell - The Sultan of Sarcasm stated that he will continue to wear only black and gray T-shirts. He was spotted at a dinner in honor of Elton John and husband David Furnish this past Monday wearing a shocking pink T-shirt.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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