My life as a man #09

Funny story written by Francois Dubois, S.J.

Thursday, 27 September 2012


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Lord Robert Baden-Powell would be proud!

The last Boy Scout

Ordinarily, being the strong, silent type of guy I am, I do not complain about my life. My life has its ups and downs, but the mountains aren't too tall-the valleys not too deep. I'm an Aquarius, a water sign. I have high tides; I have low tides. The human body is mostly made up of water; yet a walk through the ocean of my mind would scarcely get your feet wet.

I'm not a deep thinker. I'm mostly a reactionary individual. Like the simplest living organisms on this planet, I tend to learn that the things that hurt me are best avoided. Let's face it: if blue-green algae are smart enough not to attempt to grow in a dry, sandy area, I should be smart enough to keep from getting caught photocopying my ass in the Repro Room where I work.

I am not.

Of all of the stupid things I could have done today, I swear that getting caught with my pants down around my ankles, sitting on a digital copier that costs more than I make in three months was not at all on my agenda. But when I opened my newspaper today, I read that the asshole Republican Senate candidate in Missouri (and I will not give him further credence by naming the fucker) is refusing to bow out of the senate race in order for Missouri Republicans to nominate another candidate.

The asshole claims he misspoke his actual views on female fertility in cases of "Legitimate Rape."

He did not misspeak. The dick-head said exactly what he thought about rape, women and reproductive freedom.

Well, I kind of lost my head and reacted badly because it was then that I had an irresistible compulsion to send this guy a digital photograph of my big, hairy ass, and to instruct him to kiss it.

My guess is there was a shit-load of people thinking the same thing as was I today. My hope is that some of them were more successful at fighting that compulsion than was I.

But, I am not a deep thinker. I did not carefully consider the ramifications of:

(1) Using a very expensive piece of government equipment for the purpose for which it was not intended…

(2) I did not consider that it was possible, if not likely, that my big, hairy ass would break the glass scanning screen…

(3) I really didn't think my big, hairy ass would get stuck in the hole made in said glass, and that I would not be able to extricate myself…

(4) I absolutely discounted the chance that the person who would find me with my pants dangling off my ankles and my big, hairy ass stuck in the digital copier would be the wife of my sisters' minister, and is one of the supervisors here who pulled strings to get me my job.

It made no difference to this woman that I was making a statement in support of Americans everywhere who were offended by the "legitimate rape" remarks. She ignored my rationale that this was a "Legitimate Protest," a patriotic act of civil disobedience. She said I was a "disgusting amoeba who should be shot on sight." But that didn't frighten me nearly as much as the fact that she called my sisters to rat me out, and refused even to help me get my big, hairy ass out of the copier.

No, she called the cops. They called the fire department.

At least those guys have a sense of humor.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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