Secret Republican Party Application Revealed

Funny story written by dalepetrie

Wednesday, 22 August 2012


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Rarely does a story just fall into our laps here at the Spoof, but that's just what happened when we went to our mailbox this morning and found a large manilla envelope labeled "TOP SECRET". Imagine our surprise when we opened it to find a multiple choice test and accompanying answer key labeled "Application to Join RNC". What follows is the complete application and answer key reprinted.

Question 1: Which of the following scenarios would constitute "illegitimate" rape? (Select all that apply).

a) A woman is forced to have sex against her will, but her clothing indicated that she wanted it.
b) A woman is forced to have sex because even though her lips said no, her eyes said yes.
c) A woman is forced to have sex because it was the fourth date already and she hadn't put out yet.
d) A white Christian virgin woman is forced at gunpoint into a black man's car, and even though she does everything in her power to avoid being raped, he is too powerful to fight off his attempts, so she prays that he is quick.

Question 2: Barack HUSSEIN Obama is (Select all that apply).

a) The first black President.
b) A terrorist.
c) A closet Muslim.
d) Ineligible to be President because he wasn't born in the US.
e) The mastermind behind the recent mass shootings.
f) Turning the US into a new Nazi state.

Question 3: In a political debate, if your opponent makes a valid point, you should (Select all that apply).

a) Talk loudly so that no one can hear his voice over yours.
b) Disparage his mother.
c) Listen respectfully and point out the errors in his logic, or if there are no logical errors, at least point out your philosophical differences with his argument.
d) Slander him mercilessly, if possible, suggest that he might be gay, a communist, a murderer, a tax evader or a Muslim.
e) Twist his words so they mean the opposite of what he meant, then repeat the lie until people believe it.
f) Find some funny but unsubstantive way to "tease him", like calling him Barry, constantly referring to him by his middle name, questioning his heritage, or if you like to "kick it old school", accuse him of waffling on his positions and superimpose his face on a box of waffles.

Question 4: Hillary Clinton is (Select all that apply).

a) A bitch.

Question 5: You should always vote (pick one)....

a) In a way that reflects your beliefs and principals.
b) The opposite way from how the Democrats are voting, even if it means compromising your core beliefs and contradicting yourself.

Now for the answer key -

Question 1 - answers a, b and c are correct. Answer d is the ONLY legitimate form of rape, if anything differs from the specifics in answer d, the woman will surely be taught a lesson by God when he blesses her with child.

Question 2 - answers b, c, d, e and f are correct, Answer a is not correct because even if Barry Hussein Soerto WERE legally eligible to be President, he's not really black, he's only half black and that doesn't count unless you're dating my daughter.

Question 3 - answers a, b, d, e and f are all appropriate...answer c was only placed to make sure you're not some sort of pansy boy.

Question 4 - answer a is the answer, period.

Question 5 - answer b is correct, answer a only applies if you both have principals and genuinely disagree with the Democrats, and how likely is that.

Scoring, score 1 point for every correct answer selected, and -1,000 points for every incorrect answer. If your result is a positive number, welcome to the RNC.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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