Ann Romney to Tax Return Doubters: "Promise Not to Attack Us and Give Us Immunity and We Will Release the Stuff That Mitt Says 'No One Can Ever See' "

Funny story written by alaskamojo

Friday, 17 August 2012

image for Ann Romney to Tax Return Doubters: "Promise Not to Attack Us and Give Us Immunity and We Will Release the Stuff That Mitt Says 'No One Can Ever See' "
UBS (as depicted by Ann Romney) Bank which was formed by merger of two Swiss banks in 1998, she said

Over brunch today with Katie Couric, Ann Romney assured tax return skeptics "there is absolutely mostly nothing of interest most years" in Mitt's tax returns. I say 'Mitt's returns' because we always file separately. Mitt says every good husband files separately for the wives' protection," Ann told Couric.

"Other than lines 38 and 44 of most years' 1040 forms and the interest and dividends schedule Bs' lines 7(a) and (b) and lines 8, the foreign accounts stuff, Mitt says there is almost nothing he would feel uncomfortable sharing with his criminal lawyer or even his mom, if she was alive today," Ann added off handedly.

"You people have gotten all you are going to get, all the law requires, which permits keeping tightly under wraps the ammunition our enemies would use to attack us and the bombs that would blow up in our faces. So deal with it. You are not the bosses of us. If you are good you can have more after Mitt is elected," she said angrily.

"It is none of anyone's business who Mitt's friends are, which foreign corporations he may have abetted to avoid U.S. and foreign taxes, whether or not he has helped the Caliente or some such drug cartel here and there to launder dirty Columbian pesos in Swiss, Bahrain, Hong Kong or Cayman Islands bank accounts," she said without the slightest hint of haughtiness.

"Mitt has worked very severely hard, late at night even, to build the dummy corporations he has into fake somethings from nothings without one dime in government aid. Do you know how hard he has had to study to become well versed in each and every countries' bank secrecy laws and black market peso exchanges? Do you have even an idea what it takes to find a working pay phone in the middle of the night in the Antilles when it is 8:00 AM Singapore time and yet still during business hours in Geneva?... I didn't think so," she said to Couric while answering her own question.

"Can you even conceive of the piece of cake it is to stage a hostile takeover and force the bankruptcy of a company in America compared to setting up a shell corporation in Panama"?... I doubt it," Romney answered herself again.

"Look, Katie. I'll draw you a picture like the one Mitt drew for me," Ann said while grabbing a napkin, pen and hot dog. "Mitt says you start with, say $30,000 in drug money located in Columbia (Ann draws number 30,000 at top of napkin with dollar sign immediately underneath). In order to launder it clean you need multiple banks so as not to exceed the $10,000 reporting limit above which the banks must report. In our example let's use five banks laundering $6,000 of five deposits each (Ann sketches five piles of money across middle of napkin with number 6,000 under each pile with arrows pointing at money piles originating from dollar sign above). To avoid detection of the transactions you need five people making each deposit the same day to five different banks or one person making all the deposits over a five day period (Ann cuts up hot dog into five pieces and places these in a row at bottom of napkin while drawing arrows from money piles to each hot dog piece, under each of which she writes well known bank names). Voila"! she exclaimed (writing '$30,000' at bottom of napkin, circling it and drawing arrow back up to $30,000 number at top of napkin with letters C-L-E-A-N).

"I see," Katie said. Do you think Mitt will agree to sit down with me and tell the American people how they too can benefit from tax loopholes and money laundering"? Katie asked.

"Nice try, Katie, but we are through giving out devastating ammunition to those searching high and low for bad stuff to use to sabotage Mitt's Presidential run, if not land him in prison for the rest of his natural life.... If you really must know how the Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel pays off its hitmen with laundered blood money, well, you will just have to get the search warrant yourself for Mitt's Credit Suisse account number 6924953384 in the name of Mitt's straw name 'Vincent Ludwig'."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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