Written by Hunter Thomas

Friday, 3 August 2012


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We the people of the planet earth have for the past hundred years or so been beaming out radio and television signals into the vastness of the Universe. Never mind that most of what we have been beaming out makes us look like a collective bunch of intergalactic war mongering morons to any intelligent beings capable of receiving those signals, the reality is, that unless we are the only planet in the entire universe to be mass producing sperm, the statistical probability that someone is out there tuning in and listening is pretty high.

For the most part most of what is being beamed out is whatever it is that just happens to pour into the airwaves. But there are some who after watching "ET" and "Close encounters" decided that it would be a good idea to try and contact some of those cutie aliens and funded the SETI Institute, which has intentionally been sending out invitational signals into the great wide open for the past few decades now. NASA followed suit and sent Voyager zooming out past the end of our known solar system with an invitation, menu and directions to our planet strapped to its side.

Now we may think that sending out these signals into the cosmos is an act of human exploration in search of finding some other intelligent life out there to communicate with, while those on the receiving end, the message might be viewed as an advertisement for a Denny's Homosapien Grand Slam Special. What we might want to be asking ourselves is if the concept of sending out a message about our whereabouts into such a vast unknown is a good thing, or a bad thing?

Considering our own behavior as a species and the possibility that there might be someone or something else out there to communicate with does bring up what could be some serious problems for the meandering masses here on planet Earth.

First of all, let's assume for a microsecond that there is something or someone out there tuning into the all the terrestrial trash we have been beaming out. One look at Lady Ga-Ga shooting whipped cream from her boobies by an advanced species is a sure ticket addition to their list of planets to avoid or considering their current state of food resources, an addition to their list of planets to harvest. If they see shows like "Real Housewives" or god forbid "JerseyShore" we are defiantly already on the harvest list to multiple galaxies.

One point that these brilliant scientists who decided to take it upon themselves to beam out a message have yet to consider is that a more advanced species has in all likely hood developed culinary technology much more advanced than our rudimentary knife and fork. If we are still using a knife and fork after a few thousand years, then just imagine what a species that has been around for a few million years might be using. It boggles the mind.

One study from Harvard has shown that the evolution of an advanced species eating utensils might include devices that would involve the advanced species eating us like a huge piece of corn on the cob. Another possibility is connected with reports of UFO experiments involving the ever-present anal probe. Dr. Lithgower say's that the use of the anal probe by those little green men is no mistake. "They are testing a cooking device that would allow them to insert the probe, cook us from the inside out with the device acting like a popsicle stick in which the aliens would be able to hold their food source as it was consumed."

As we humans know, hunger is a powerful thing that should a planet of billions of technically advanced beings who have exhausted all the food sources on their planet hear a message from our plant using a low technology television and radio signal, then the possibility exist that our messages, laden with excessive food slopping, plump looking human beings, could have a negative impact on us.

There is however the possibility that all the food ads and cooking shows being beamed out across the cosmos could work to our advantage. Should any race of being see our food ads and cooking shows, it might deter them from actually visiting our planet for fear of being devoured upon arrival. In actuality, most of what we are beaming out gives the perception that we are really not a very nice place to visit in the first place so that might actually act as a deterrent.

The biggest problem we have in beaming out who we are through the airwaves is how our social interactions are seen from afar. If there is in fact someone looking in, they must be having a field day either studying our species as a science project, our figuring out a plan to invade and eat us.

Should we be afraid of making contact with some un-know species from another universe? You bet your Klingon ET loving ass we better be afraid. Aside from the Iphone, big screen televisions, and the nuclear bomb, we are not really that tech savvy and would stand little chance against going up against a civilization that has been around for a few million years or so.

Now considering that most of how we compare ourselves to the rest of the Universe is based on movies like "Star Wars" "Independence Day", and the "Avengers", our perception is that it usually comes down to us getting trounced on by some hell-bent for war alien species and we end up finding a way to fight back and win.

I doubt that this is the reality we would be dealing with. So let's consider the possibilities based on possible first contact messages.

Should the first contact message be; We are hungry. This translates to, we are in trouble.

Should the first contact message be; We are thirsty. This translates to, we are in trouble.

Should the first contact message be; What kind of air do you breathe? This translates to, we are in trouble.

Should the first contact message be; We watched "JerseyShore". This translates to, we are in trouble, prepare for world annihilation.

So for now I have to say that I agree with Stephen Hawkings who seems to think that it is not a good idea to be announcing our existence to the rest of the universe. After all, humanity in search of a good meal is what is going to drive us off this planet which is what is probably driving other species off of their planets. Let's just hope that we don't run into each other in the process.

Hunter Thomas
dcLampoon National Affairs Desk
Washington DC.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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