Quentin Kelp MP - Your elected member

Funny story written by tjmstroud

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Dear constituents of mine,

I have had a most hectic day.

It took Anthea (my PA) and me three hours to remove the Black Sabbath ring tone from my Blackberry and upload something more pleasant on the ear. Anthea likes the classics so we managed to find a snippet from someone called Wagner. I had always thought Wagner was a sort of cider but Anthea told me he was a German composer of some repute so we agreed. A Wagner ring tone will demonstrate my deep understanding of European culture when on the train up to Paddington.

And it is culture that I want to discuss as my "Theme of the Day" as I have recently been asked to look into the origin of some obscure markings that appeared on the brick wall by Krupton Station.

I had obviously been far too distracted by calls on my Blackberry to notice them so it was only when a fellow passenger on the 8.15 asked me what I thought that I decided to check it out. When I did, I could see what all the fuss was about. Strange writing and patterns in all shades of garish colours appeared to have been painted on the wall with a very wide paint brush. But I had no idea what it was all about.

It looked very unsightly and I got Anthea to report it to Krupton Council but apparently they already knew about it, so thanks to the constituent who brought it to their attention. This shows there are voters out there who care about the appearance of our town just as I do. Also it saved me a lot of unnecessary time.

After that I forgot about it. After all, it's not my job to go around washing walls down and, anyway, I also noticed that the wall smells. Has anyone reported it to the other department responsible for the public toilets?

Anyway, assuming Krupton Council is on the case, my attention has been was diverted by far more important things in Parliament and I now want to focus on my other "Theme of the Day" - the small matter of Education, Skills, Training, Apprenticeships, Job Centre Plus, Job Seekers Allowance and the reason for the rising unemployment figures everywhere - except in Krupton.

Why is it such a small matter? Well, I'll sum it up in two words - Bad Spelling.

I'm sitting on a high profile Education Committee discussing standerds of spelling amongst under twenties. I'm sure you will have heard my recent views expressed to a packed House last week. It was live on BBC and I was in the second row. At least twelve of them were there to hear me, far more than the numbers at the earlier debate to bring back hanging. It was just a pity my Blackberry went off.

And the morning after my TV appearance, who should I bump into but that same young man who put the Black Sabbath ring tone on my Blackberry. He was covered in paint when I passed him and so I congratulated him on his new job as a decorator. "Nice to see you, Kevin, and how's the new job going?" I said, as I believe in a good rapport with Krupton youth.

"Alright, Quentin, fanks" he said stuffing all his paint things into a Tesco bag.

After I'd reminded him it was a TH in thanks not an F, he said he'd heard I'd changed my ringtone again. I admitted it was now a little tune from Wagner and just a little quieter than the Black Sabbath one he had installed and added that I didn't expect him to have heard of this particular German composer as he was far too young.

He then surprised me by asking me how to spell Wagner. I said it was apparently a W not a V which obviously confused him but I was, nevertheless, impressed by his desire to improve his spelling.

So, yes, it is the popular culture of graffiti writing and its link to Education, Skills, Training, Apprenticeships and Job Seekers Allowance that I want to link together today. Because of my rapport and personal help with his work experience, Kevin has found a job as a painter and decorator and all this at a time of unprecedented difficulty for the young and despite their inability to spell properly.

But we still have a long way to go because last night that dyslexic phantom graffiti artist struck again and this time on the door of my constituency office. I could hardly make it out but it was clearly something about Wagner. The G was a strange shape and the spelling was dreadful. In red white and blue it said WANGER.

I'll get the Council to clean it off.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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