President Obama visited a truck manufacturing plant in Georgia this past week where he had promised to make an important announcement. As reporters were still gathering in the publicity center, an ABC correspondent blindsided President Obama with a question about his association with Communists, past and present. Before the President was able to formulate a reply, the reporter followed quickly with this: "Mr. President, many American people are just beginning to learn that several of your close advisers and czars are Communists or have a record of statements that suggest Communist leanings. We now see from videos recently released by a conservative website that during your days at Harvard, you personally admired and promoted the works of a professor who, at minimum, had a very anti-American philosophy. How do you explain all this?"
The President appeared awkward and took some time before he responded. Below is his full response to that question, as well as his promised announcement.
"Well, I, ah, ah, I have always believed that the best way to deal with your enemy is to get to know him or her as much as possible. Learn their weaknesses and strengths. Get into their head. Know what they eat for breakfast,lunch,and dinner, what music they listen to, what porn they watch. This is why I've been surrounded with Communists and Socialists ever since I was a child, er, I mean a cellular mass in my mother's womb. My parents were Commies, my childhood mentor was a Commie, many of my teachers and professors were Commies, some of my neighbors and friends are Commies, my spiritual leader is a Commie, and now, some of my advisers and czars are Commies. So you can see, it has been a very long and very successful execution of a grand master-plan. A plan that was undertaken from the time I was just a dream of my father, a glint in his eye.
"I can guarantee all of you here today that I personally have no sympathy for some flavor of Communist or Socialist ideology. These philosophies stifle individual freedom and lead to totalitarianism. My association with these people has been and is simply to learn their tactics. Know your enemy. I do this for the American people.
"And now, if you would, I'd like to get back to the reason I am here today.
"I am here to announce my intention to form a new Federal department, the Department of Citizen Oversight and Assassination, or DCOA.
"As you know, Attorney General Holder recently explained our new policy on assassination of American citizens who are considered to be a particular threat to our society. AG Holder elegantly described the concepts of, and the differences between due process and judicial process. He explained how and when a decision by the President can be considered adequate due process for a decision to assassinate a dangerous citizen. A citizen, who for some good reason, cannot be brought to justice by a better means.
"The DCOA will conduct surveillance on citizens suspected of being capable of horrific crimes, crimes like hate speech and denial of privileges to the less fortunate. The staff will gather evidence and provide it to the President as he requires for the due-process that authorizes the liquidation of an American.
"I am happy to say the DCOA will also help monitor government employees who are suspected of providing classified information to the media. Things got very loose in that regard under my predecessor. I have been able to pull in the reigns considerably through employment of the rarely used Espionage Act, enacted in 1917. The provisions of this act were only used three times between then and my Presidency, but I have now used it six times in just over three years to punish wayward civil servants. And I will not hesitate to use it again.
"Some have been critical of my use of this act, so I will use the capabilities of the DCOA in all future Espionage Act engagements. This will help insure the American people of the integrity of that process.
"Oh yes, there is one more important check and balance feature we will implement. I am instructing the author of DCOA bylaws to include a poison pill provision - that is, a provision that will result in that Department's dissolution immediately if, I mean when leave office.
" And last, I am happy to announce that I will be nominating my good friend and fellow patriot Van Jones to lead the DCOA. As you all know, he was my Green Jobs czar until he resigned after relentless and unforgivable harassment by Glenn Beck. Mr. Jones has been busy in recent months with the Occupy Wall Street movement, but he has graciously agreed to lead the DCOA in its important mission to protect our country from those who would do it harm, and from those who would interfere with my campaign promise to reform our government.
That's all I have today. I am late for an OWS strategy meeting with your beloved former congresswoman and next Occupy leader Presidential prospect Cynthia McKinney. Sorry, but there is no time for questions"