Ron 'n' Fred's Easter Chat

Funny story written by Tommy Twinkle

Friday, 6 April 2012

image for Ron 'n' Fred's Easter Chat
"Fink Easter was when he kicked the bucket."

"Art'anoon Fred, happy Easter mate. There yer go, got a pint in all ready f'yer on table 'ere. Sit yerself dahn 'n' get that dahn inside yer. Bit nippy out there innit."

"Is a bit, yeah Ron. Still, it's only five minutes walk fer me t' get from my 'ouse to 'ere at The Golden Lion."

"Easter in this country? Waste of time in my 'umble opinion Fred. Okay in Rio like, nice 'n' warm in Rio 'cause they 'ave the wevver f'rit, but we don't get that sorta wevver 'ere in this country, comes far too early in the year in Britain. Well, I mean nine times outta ten itta be chuckin' it dahn 'ere at Easter, prob'ly 'ave 'ailstones mixed in wiv it annal, they're still 'avin bleedin' snow up in Scotland 'cordin' t' telly mate. Mean, people spend 'ours n 'ours painstakin'ly doin' up them floats fer their Easter carnivals like only to find 'emselves on the day standin' on the backs ov them lorries shiverin' t' def mate.

"S'alright if they're wearin' a plastic mac or summin like that wiv say a cuppla jumpers 'n' s'm fermals underneaf I s'pose, budd our young English girls doan wanna be coverin' their legs up wiv' long johns, they wanna be showin' off their legs t' the cheerin' crahds mate. They wanna be up there shakin' their bits 'n' pieces abaht t' the music like what they've bin seein' them gorgeous Brazilian girls doin' on the telly from Rio dee Jearo. Wadyou fink Fred?"

"Well, the young people don't seem t' feel the cold not like we do Ron, 'n summa them a be dressed up in furry rabbit costumes up on those floats. Should fink it's prob'ly nice 'n' warm wrapped up inside a furry rabbit costume."

"Grarncha those wearin' furry rabbit costumes will be warm enuff Fred, but they're the lucky ones mate, just the odd ones 'ere 'n' there. No, I mean most of 'em aint dressed up like that. Not s' bad fer the majorettes I s'pose 'cause they can keep 'emselves a bit warm by frowin' their sticks abaht in the air 'n' showin' off."

"Yeah Ron, but they can Keep on the move if they start t' feel a bit cold up on the backs of them floats. If they find 'emselves gettin' a bit chilly they can always do a bit ov runnin' on the spot like."

"Ah, but watt you're forgettin' Fred is that they're 'igher up than the majorettes. Catch the icy April gusts right nasty up on them floats they do."

"I 'ears whatcher sayin' Ron but t' be 'onest wiv yer like I reckon the older ones only got themselves t' blame, old enuff t' know better they are like."

"Absolutely Fred, absolutely wiv knobs on, serves 'em right if they end up wiv bleedin' numonia. Gotta finka the little kiddies though aintcher. Not fair on 'em it aint t' be up on them floats in April. But yer 'see 'em doancha, their mums. 'Here she comes', they call out all excited like and 'olding up their cameras as they see the floats comin' along wiv their kids on the back ov 'em. 'Course, the little kiddies see their mums wavin' 'n' cheerin' 'n' takin' photos of 'em so they put on brave little smiles on their cold little faces. Aint gonna start cryin' or callin' out t' mum that they're freezin' cold 'n' wanna go 'ome indoors t' warm their little 'ands up raand the fire. Don't wanna spoil their mums day see. Nah, can be bitterly cold at Easter in this country Fred. Silly time ov the year to 'ave Easter when yer finks abaht it."

"Easter eggs cost a packet as well."

"Wafer fin layer ov choc'late egg inside a big fancy box wiv a few tiny sweets froan in wiv pretty wrappers just t' tempt the eyes of the kiddies. Take on they are. You bin t' Rio Fred?"

"Well my nephew and..."

"Not that I 'ave mind 'cause as yer know come Easter me 'n Joan likes t' get dahn to our caravan in Clacton, giv it a bit ov 'n airin' like so it's ready f' the summer. Seen Rio on the telly acourse. Them gorgeous Brazilian girls know 'ow t' party they do 'n' good luck to 'em, but as I say yer can't expect young girls in this country t' be dressed like them Brazilians at Easter, not in this country. Too bleedin' cold mate."

"I fink the Rio carnivals are all over by Eas..."

"And 'part from that people 'ere aint religious in the same way as them Brazilians are Fred. Different culture. People 'ere don't go t' church on Sundee mornings anymore like they did in prev'ous gen'rations. Christ, nowadays people a' more likely t' be complainin' baht the noise of the church bells goin' off on Sundee mornin'."

"Can be annoyin' though Ron."

"Wiv you there mate, wiv you there. People wanna bit o' peace 'n' quiet ov a Sundee mornin', bin out Sat'dee night after 'ard weeks work lettin' their 'air dahn - nuffin' wrong wi' that - 'avin' a few larfs wiv their friends then come Sundee mornin' understandably need a few 'ours kip 'fore gettin' back dahn the pub t' get a cuppla pints dahn 'em 'fore settlin' dahn t' watch a bit of football on the big screens. Don't mean people aint religious."

"Oh, I believe in God, Ron,"

"People nowadays a' just too busy t' spend Sundee morning at church knockin' out a few 'ims. Got uvver fings t' do they 'ave. Not knockin' the Brazilians, nuffing wrong wiv celebratin' the birf ov their Lord at Easter the way they do by 'avin' a bit ov a dance t' the old samba music like. Got the wevver f'rit they 'ave. We just show it in a different way. More sophisticated like."

"Wern it Christmas when Jesus was born? Fink Easter was when he kicked the bucket."

"Don't fink anyone knows for sure Fred. But there yer go, British people don't go araand singin' n' dancin' when someone's died. We act all sombre f' a few days 'n' put a miserable face on t' show a bit of respect like. Least we do if it was someone we liked. Can't understand why 'enry the aifth didn't change the date of Christ's birfday t' some time in the summer. Would 'ave been nice 'n' warm to 'ave a Christmas carnival in July."

"It's all commercialised now anyway Ron. They didn't av chocolate Easter eggs two fahsand years ago."

"Same as Christmas cards Fred, all just a way ov makin' someone money so it is. Nice little earner f' the post office Christmas is what wiv millions of people buying stamps t' stick on the cards. Explained to my Joan 'fore Christmas I did that we couldn't afford t' send Christmas cards to ev'ryone on 'er list - keeps a list she does. Told 'er she'd 'ave t' cross a lot ov the names off. Well I mean Fred, some of them on that list were ov people we aint seen f' years."

"Yev gotta tell 'em Ron uvverwise they'll jus' go on spendin' money like there's no tomorrer."

"Causes upset though Fred. Joan got goin' wiv the old waterworks like goin' on abaht 'ow it's only once a year 'n 'ow they always send us a card, then she goes out t' the kitchen bangin' the plates abaht dishin' me breakfast up. Yer can do wivout it Fred - 'ad a terrible 'angover that mornin' I did as well."

"Yev gotta watch yer pennies 'n' cut out the non-essentials Ron. They 'ave t' be told."

"I 'ad t' lay it on the line to 'er Fred, told Joan it's gotta be one fing or the uvver this year, it's eever the turkey or the stamps 'cause we can't afford both this Christmas I said."

"It's not Christmas wivout a turkey Ron."

"Never 'ad a Christmas wivout a turkey at my place Fred. Made a compromise with Joan in the end so's t' keep 'er quiet. Yeah, what we did was to put next year's cards in wiv the envelopes as well. Still cost a few quid in stamps though."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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