A True Diary of Woe - Part Fifty-One - A Night to Remember

Written by Inchcock

Monday, 5 March 2012


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The Graveyard was said to be Haunted

A diary of one man's (Using the term lossely) utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947

Chapter 94 - A Night to Remember

The path from the guard base, to the undercover police car compound, and the awaiting swipe point, was no longer than perhaps 800 yards, there and back, at the most.

It was dark as usual, 0215hrs, the broken up old farm path was mostly pot-holed, on the immediate right the old grave yard that needed checking for any rough sleepers.

And to put into use, my quickly acquired skills in 'Swooping Owl Avoidance Techniques!'

This night, the owl did not appear, and there were no mentholated spirit consumers to move on.

A good start to the patrol!

As I crossed to the left of the path to check out the greenhouses - I mused a while on how the morning was windless, warm, and quite.

My RT burst into life, and I managed to avoid any leakage being released from my rear.

I answered the radio. I was wanted back at base to receive visitors.

(There was a wall phone back at the main college entrance for visitors/staff/students to use to contact Control in the event of residents wanting admission, incidents, emergencies etc and the Security officer not being in situ at the guard base [reception])

I duly returned and issued the room keys and explained as best he could to the Bulgarian team of eight guests about the fire alarm, panic buttons, and where their rooms were located, but felt I'd had better luck in the past when talking to a brick wall. I fed them the salads that had been left for them in the kitchens, and escorted them to the residential block they were allotted to, and returned the keys to the secure cupboard.

I returned to my patrol and the path of doom, (it was said the grave yard was haunted), and walked through the derelict glasshouses, checking for any of the local druggies that used to inhabit it occasionally - all was clear again.

As I exited the glasshouses, I heard noises coming from the graveyard, so stood in the dark to listen more intently so as to assess whether I should enter the gravestones, or call for and await back-up.

I was sure I could hear only two voices, so risked having a discreet glance at the possible opposition ensconced within the graveyard.

To say the two lags had not been there 30 minutes ago, they looked well settled in, rustled up inside a collapsed grave, with a good stock of meth filled bottles at hand, smoking and guzzling away.

It amazed me how they managed not to cause a conflagration with the combination of lighted matches and fags, and mentholated spirits dribbling down their chins.

No matter how much I tried, I could not convince the sozzled sods to leave the site.

As they grew a little aggressive, I retired back to the pathway, and called for back-up - and was told it would be about 40 minutes arriving.

Being as the intruders had seem to settle down to concentrate on their bottle contents, I decided to carry on down the path to the swipe point, then return to meet the back-up and try to move-on the incumbent nuisances.

Down to the farm machinery shed - all OK.

Across to the right, and down to check the garden tool cellar, ensuring the regular catching of the head on the low beam was carried out in the normal fashion followed by the standard customary "Oh blow me!"

As I was about to turn the corner to the swipe point at the end, an orange glow appeared from above the graveyard area.

"Had the two alcoholic gentlemen set themselves alight? I thought?

So off back up the drive I walked to investigate. As I approached I noted that the flames were coming from behind the graveyard.

I walked to the area going through the graveyard finding no trace of the itinerants, just a burning bonfire in the rear car park. I didn't the alcho's again at all that night?

The RT again burst into life to let me know the mobile patrol back-up Officer wanted access. So I went off to the gate to let him in.

As the RT again burst into life, the late bar in the main cellar was having trouble with customers and wanted back-up urgently!

I let in the mobile driver, explained, and shot off to the late bar - thankfully the offenders had left and gone back to their rooms.

So I nipped back up to the graveyard to find the fire had spread very close to the Leicestershire Police ARV (Armed Response Vehicle)garage.

I informed the brigade and the police control room. And within minutes (God knows how) there were eight police vehicles including another ARV, 12 police officers, three dogs, and two fire appliance engines, soon to be joined by a police helicopter above!

The students came to see what was happening, and I had a devil of a time keeping them away from the incident.

The police were satisfied the ARV was secure, then searched all of the grounds before leaving along along with the fire brigade, and peace again returned to the site.

I returned to the reception, and started to fill in the required incident reports with the aid of the notes of names numbers etc I'd recorded in my hand-book.

I went off-duty a very tired person.

Of course the college management were really impressed - a week later they wanted to know why the Undercover Police Compound Patrol Swipe Point had not been done that night!

Funny enough, the company had trouble getting guards to do this site.

More Episodes of Woe to follow

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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