Fri 17th Feb: Pedestrian Traffic Warnings Nottingham

Funny story written by Inchcock

Thursday, 16 February 2012

image for Fri 17th Feb: Pedestrian Traffic Warnings Nottingham
Information supplied by the Nottingham Pedestrian Association

Expect the usual delays on Mansfield Road, Parliament Street, Long Row, Bridlesmith Gate, Fletcher Gate, and Friar Lane, South Parade, Derby Road, Beast Market Hill, King Street, Long Row, and all points south of the City Centre, with Big Issue Sellers interrupting pedestrian flow.

Be aware that new immigrant Big Issue Sellers are expected to cause pedestrians problems on and around the Victoria Centre contraflow area. High risk of delays on exiting south doors, due to the new Big Issue Sellers being fresh and enthusiastic.

Take care in these areas where Street robberies, pocket picking and assaults have taken place in the last week:
Maid Marion Way (3)
Long Row (1)
Rutland Street (1)
Spaniel Row (2)
Mansfield Road (8)
Victoria Street (1)
Rutland Street (1)
King Street (1)
Smithy Row (1)
Lister Gate (1)
Castle Gate (1)
The Arboretum (4)
Chapel Bar (2)
Shakespeare Street (1)
Trinity Walk (2)
Exchange Walk (3)

Temporary Blockages:
City Centre Slab Square:
The Occupy Nottingham movement camp remains in situ, with a new poster that shows a partly naked young lady, is on display that might may cause interruptions to pedestrian, as foot-users stop to read them.

Liberal Democrat Supporters Meeting:
1000hrs: Outside the Post Office Queen Street
No disruption is anticipated from the three attendees.

Broad Marsh Shopping Centre - North End
Achmed's Stall at the bottom of the Escalator is having a one day sale on his stall, with thermal vests and long underpants on sale @ £3 each. Shoplifting activities, along with with mugging and pick-pocketing are expected to increase during this period, Expect blockages.

Pedestrian Crossing lights
Upper Parliament Street - Outside the jobcentre Plus offices.

These lights will be serviced at some time today, unemployed personages exiting the Job Centre Plus Offices should take care, and walk 200yds to the right and use the crossing there. Expect huge delays.

Pavement Works
Nausherwani's Jewellery Store, Goosegate.

Pavement repairs are planned for today, to repair damage done in last weeks ram-raid.

Pavement Works
Queen Street Job Centre Plus.

Repairs will take place today on the concrete steps leading into the Job Centre Plus offices that have been damaged through excessive use. A pedestrian contra-flow system will be in place for the period of the work taking place.

Central Police Station
The final repairs to the fire-bomb damage caused in the Nottingham riots will be taking place.

Victoria Shopping Centre
All levels.

Pedestrians should take extra care today, as the new mobility scooters for hire are used for the first time. They are 2 mph faster than the old ones.

Supplied by the Nottingham Pedestrian Association
Sponsored by Yeliashkevych Footwear Importers Ltd.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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