Nottingham City Council to introduce 'Pedestrian Licences'

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Friday, 25 November 2011


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image for Nottingham City Council to introduce 'Pedestrian Licences'
'Pedestrian Licences' - a good idea?

Bad News today, for the remaining retail outlets that have not gone bankrupt in Nottingham.

Local Councillor Mick Stupp explained:

This new initiative will blend in with the 'Workplace Parking Levy', our 'Increased City Centre Car Parking Charges, and 'Selective Road Tolls'. It's handy for us that we have so many empty retail units in the City Centre, that we can use for PWLA (Pedestrian 'Walkers Licensing Agency') training centres.

Chamber of Commerce leader, Robin Umblind revealed that:

Nottingham City Council is to issue 'Pedestrian Licences' for all City Centre Pedestrians, for occasional visitors, tourists, and out of City workers, a temporary licence can be applied for, but the 'Pedestrian Test' (One part only - Practical) must be passed at least 14 days before walking in the City Centre will be permitted.

Test Centres:
Temporary Pedestrian Test Centres will be opened in Tesco, in Victoria Centre, and on the escalators in Broad Marsh Centre.

Full Licenses (all, any groups) Test Centres will be established at various locations around the City.

All 13 year olds and above must have a valid Pedestrian Licence to walk within a ½ mile of the City Centre boundary.

Test Costs will: Temporary (1 month) £25 - Full City Centre Pedestrian Licence (3 years) £60 (per Walking section group).

It will be required that you possess a valid licence for each and all of the Pedestrian Licence Walking Section Groups, before you enter the City. Registration stickers NIT (Nottingham In Training) must be displayed prominently on the frontage of the person in training. Full Licence stickers TIT (Trained in Transportation) must be worn and displayed prominently on the frontage of the Licence holder.

You must notify the PWLA (Pedestrian 'Walkers Licensing Agency') if any of the following items, articles, appendages, are to be carried or worn during your Pedestrian activities within the City Limits, before taking your test:

Walking carrying an umbrella (closed or open), hearing aids, spectacles, walking sticks, external medical aids, shopping trolleys (2 or 4 wheeled), Zimmer frames, CS gas canisters, hob-nail boots, Lib-Dem supporting literature, Christmas trees/decorations, or McDonald's money off vouchers.

Wearing Hoodies (whether or not they limit vision), smoking, taking snuff, drugs, singing, smiling, spitting, passing water, being sick, and passing wind is not permitted.

Pedestrian Licence Walking Section Groups you can apply for:

Category A:
Walking without luggage, bags, musical attachment mechanisms, or any other dangerous, or concentration affecting equipment.

Category B:
Walking carrying an umbrella (closed or open), Hearing aids, spectacles, walking sticks, external medical aids, shopping trolleys (2 or 4 wheeled), shopping bags, laptops, mobile phones, Gameboys or similar, none crumb or grease making fodder.

Category C:
Special Nottingham Permission Group:
This Licence is free on application and acceptance.
You will require a Special Nottingham Permission Group Licence that can be obtained through the City Centre Job Centre Plus, Library's, the Alcoholics Support Group, and the Arthritis Suffers Group C Unit, if you fall within this temporary group. Proof will be required of your condition/state.
You are an active member of the Alcoholic Support Group.
You have been convicted of fire-bombing a police station.
You have been out of work for 12 years.
You are a Nottingham City, or County Council member, or close relative of one.
You are deceased.
You have more than £200,000 to invest in the Nottingham City Council Members Fact Finding Trips to Hawaii.

Certified Training Centres Available:
Councillor Mick Stupp 0115 7555427
Councillor Edina Clowds 0115 7001255
Councillor Stan Doffish 0115 7632801

PWLA Pedestrian 'Walkers Licensing Agency' Driving Test Explained:
This examination is to ensure that you can walk safely in different pedestrian conditions, and that you know the Pedestrian's Code.

1) Eyesight Test:
The examiner will ask you to read a shop's opening hours poster from 15ft, while other pedestrians attack you with prams and umbrellas.

2) Mobility Test:
The examiner will monitor your responses to your arranged mugging on Glasshouse Street.

3) Equipment Safety Checks:
The examiner will watch and monitor you, as you check your footwear grip and stopping ability. Then ask you to carry put an emergency stop.

4) Manoeuvring:
You'll be asked to complete an exercise to show how well you can manoeuvre yourself. The examiner will choose one exercise from:

Ogling an attractive member of the other sex through a shop window, whilst keeping walking in a safe straight path.

Reversing in a crowded lift, into and out of the cage.

Parallel parking accurately in the Job Centre Plus offices queue.

5) Independent Free-style Pedestrian movements:
Your PWLA test will include around ten minutes of independent walking. This is designed to assess your ability to walk safely while making decisions independently. This will include arranged umbrella assaults, the use of escalators, public toilets, and 1 minute of umbrella prongs avoidance skills assessment.

6) Hand Signals:
The examiner will assess the suitability of your hand signals to the situation in which you made them. Masturbatory imitations, Two fingered, middle finger, and threatening fists will assessed.

* It would be advisable to note if the examiner has a charity pouch for the Council Workers Holiday Fund on his/her belt, then any contributions from yourself will not be seen as bribery by the said members.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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