NYPD declares huge win over OWS

Funny story written by alassandra2000

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Reporter: "So, it has been a harrowing season for you guys, hasn't it? I mean, you guys have been out there every time, putting everything you have into taking the OWS players down. To what do you chalk your current win status up to, so far?"

NYPD Representative: "Well, first of all, we have a player that so far has not had a chance to get in the game. But, now, the DA has been able to attempt bribing, the members of the other team that are captured are basically being offered the chance to walk on the charges brought against them by us..."

Reporter: "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you telling me that the strategy you guys employed on the bridge is paying off now? I thought they were crying fowl on that one, claiming they were false arrests, that you lured them onto the bridge?"

NYPD Representative: "Nope, there was never any official call on that one, so we are continuing forward. Anyone that is arrested, gets the chance to have the charges dropped, only as long as they agree to stop playing altogether."

Reporter: "So, how many of them have been taking the bait?"

NYPD Representative: "Well, none so far, but they have got to give in sooner or later. I mean, how many times would you allow yourself to be arrested before you took the opportunity to have the entire record erased, and to go home? I mean, the weather alone makes this a win-win for both sides, don't you think?"

Reporter: "Okay, so you've got that in the bag, what else has been working for you guys?"

NYPD Representative: "Well, and you are going to love this, we have been sending every vagrant and drunk we can find over to their camp."

Reporter: "Wow, and no cries of foul on that one, either?"

NYPD Representative: "Nope, they've got to let in anyone that wants to come in, and we have really been able to use that to our advantage. And again, think about how good this is for the homeless people. They are feeding everyone there and providing makeshift shelter, warm clothes. How much better can it get? And the best part is, we are then sending the mainstream media in to interview the drunks and stuff, and that makes the other team look sooo bad. It has just been amazing how effective this one has been."

Reporter: "Okay, we are running out of time, any more comments to add?"

NYPD Representative: "Yes. We are spreading the rumor that the other team are a bunch of terrorists."

Reporter: "Now the other team has to be fighting you on that one!"

NYPD Representative: "Well, of course they are, but you would be amazed at how good the mainstream media reporters are at cutting people off during interviews to completely negate anything useful they might have to say, and these reporters are just really phenomenal actors and actresses. You would not believe how good some of them are at convincing anyone of anything. It's been great."

Reporter: "So one thing I am a little confused about. The WALNUT group that you have tied to the other team, and then to the terrorists and other criminal activity, isn't the President also connected to that organization? Hasn't anyone said anything to you about calling the President of the United States a terrorist?"

NYPD Representative: "What?"

Reporter: "I said..."

NYPD Representative: "I'm sorry, I have to go now. I just remembered I...I have a very important meeting I have to get to...uh, bye!"

Reporter: "Well, there you have it folks. The NYPD, with all their weapons and hand to hand combat training, have finally started to win over the civilians out on the street, peacefully protesting. All you fans out there can rest easy tonight, cause they've got it in the bag. And if you are an OWS fan and get woke up to a police raid in your own home, when you've done nothing remotely criminal, and any cash in your home is seized without cause, it's okay, 'cause all you have to do is promise not to have anything at all to do with OWS or related organizations and all the charges will immediately be dropped, and at least half the cash will probably be returned. Now, doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? See you next time."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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