I lost seventeen stone for my kids

Written by Big Stu

Sunday, 25 September 2011

I was always on the fat side during my teenage years, my mum blamed it on my diet, my dad blamed it on my mum's diet and my doctor blamed my dad for blaming my mum about her diet which he'd put her on.

Naturally this was a very confusing time for me.

I became very depressed every time I looked in a mirror, so I decided to take steps. I sold the mirror and bought a Big Mac but it just didn't solve my problem.

I was sent for a course of acupuncture but was told it was not available on the NHS as my health insurance did not cover explosive decompression, which left me feeling very deflated. It was then that I found I was three months pregnant which changed my life entirely. Suddenly I knew I had to make a stand.

When my son turned four, he said he didn't want to eat vegetables and salad and I knew what I had to do. Now my son eats my burgers and chips and I eat his salad.

My weight is now completely manageable and under control, although I am getting worried. My son seems to be putting on a lot of weight and I fear he is suffering from the same condition as me. Now five and a half, he weighs thirteen stone. I bought him a space hopper for his birthday and people now believe he is a Siamese twin.

I think this problem must be genetic.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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