Ransom Notes to The Editor

Written by churchmouse

Friday, 12 August 2011

image for Ransom Notes to The Editor
DI Chivers yesterday

Dear Sir,

You are probably wondering what has become of your editor, Mr Lowton, as he has not been seen in your offices since last Thursday.
The answer is simple: Your editor has been kidnapped, and is currently being held to ransom.

He was taken by me during his lunch break, when he had popped out (as was his custom) to buy a sandwich from Greggs The Bakers across the road.

I have been staking out his movements for months, and have planned the kidnapping with military precision, therefore, the kidnapping itself was like taking candy from a baby. Or taking a news-editor from a baker's shop if you want to be strictly accurate.

He is being held at a secure location, and will only be released once the sum of £100,000 is paid over to me. If the money is paid he will not be harmed.

Do not contact the police. This operation has been planned down to the last detail, and by informing the police you will be putting his life in peril.

Please send your cheque for the full amount to:
Mr Kevin Smally
10 Tulip Gardens

Yours in anticipation,
K Smally.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for contacting Essex Police regarding the kidnapping of your news-editor.

Please note that the information you have passed on to us has been lodged in an official file, and will be investigated as soon as a literate officer becomes available.

Your crime number for insurance purposes is: EPK17543X

Mrs Brenda Cockshank
Civilian administration support officer
Essex Police.

Dear Sir,

I've just noticed that I inadvertently gave you my home address for the ransom payment of your news-editor.
I'm sorry about that. I believed that I had thought of everything, but must have overlooked that point during the planning stage. Anyway, I've now had to move your news-editor and myself to a hotel in order to avoid capture, so could you please send the cheque to:
K Smally c/o Ibis Hotel

Yours faithfully,
K Smally.

p.s. If you've already sent the cheque to Tulip Gardens, don't worry as I'll call round on Monday night when my Mum's at the bingo and check the post.

Dear Sir,

Re crime number EPK17543X

Welcome to your kidnapped person retrieval team! Consisting of P.C. Derek Passman.

Here at the team we will try to do whatever we can to resolve the problem of your kidnapped family member/friend/associate, by using all of our training and resources in an ethical, multi-cultural and caring way.

Please find enclosed our leaflet 'Loved one kidnapped?'- 'How to cope'.

Yours etc
PC Passman D
Essex Police.

Dear Sir,

I wonder, could you publish my letter asking if anybody knows of the whereabouts of my son Kevin?

He left home last Thursday, and I haven't seen him since. It is most unlike him to leave without saying anything. All of his clothes are still here, and I'm worried that something might have happened.

He is 52 years old, five foot eight in height, and has short grey hair and glasses. He is interested in gardening and Jeremy Clarkson.

Yours sincerely,
Mrs Edith Smally
10 Tulip Gardens.

Dear Sir,

It's me again...you know, Kevin.
I wonder could you send someone round with some of the ransom money in cash. (say £500). I wouldn't normally ask, but the accommodation bill for the hotel is starting to mount up.

I've had to tell your news editor to stay in the room during this phase of the operation, which means that we've had to use room-service for all of the meals, and it's getting quite expensive.

Kevin Smally.

Dear Eric,

I had to go to the doctor's yesterday, and when I got back I found that Mark had emptied the Mini-bar, and I'm fairly sure that he's been watching the pay-per-view adult channel on the TV while I wasn't there.
I'm sorry to have to press you, but if you could get someone round with some cash, I'll drop the final price to £75,000.


Dear Sir,

Re crime number EPK17543X

Following your letters and telephone calls of the 18th, 19th, 20th, and 21st; I'm pleased to be able to inform you that as part of Essex Police's 'Working Together in a Trusting Environment With the Public' programme, DI Chivers has been appointed to re-assess your case.

Mrs Brenda Cockshank
Civilian administration support officer
Essex Police

Hi Eric,

When I came out of the shower yesterday, I noticed that Mark had wandered off. I looked all over the hotel for him and finally found him chatting up Sharon who works on the reception desk!
He is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. We have constant fights over the remote control, and I'm not one to moan, but, I have to say that his personal hygiene is, quite frankly quite distasteful.

As a result, I am prepared to drop the ransom to £50,000 to ensure a quick resolution to this matter.


Dear Sir,

Re: Kidnapping etc.

I was talking to DS Saltmarsh at the lodge last night, and he suggested that it would be a good idea to launch an appeal within your newspaper to try to locate your kidnapped news-editor.

If you could organise this, please don't forget to give my name as the case officer some prominence as I'm up for promotion next year and they like to see lots of press cuttings at the selection board.

Yours sincerely,
DI Chivers (Dave)

Dear Sir,

I'm writing this letter for Mr Kevin Smally, as at the moment he is unable to use his hands due to the injuries inflicted on him by Mr Lowton's wife in the lobby of the Ibis hotel last week.

He has asked me to ask you if you would consider a one-off payment of £5,000 to help with his medical expenses, as he tells me that his kidnap victim is now re-united with his family, and he (Kevin) has received no payment.

He has also asked me to tell you that despite having most of his teeth broken by the hotel staff for not paying his bill, during the time he was on the ground following the beating from Mr Lowton's wife, he has no malice towards you, and he hopes to resume correspondence with all of his new friends at the newspaper once his hands have healed.

Sister Kim Combes
Ward 6
Basildon Gerenal Hospital.

Dear Sir,

I see from your letter of the 24th, that your news-editor, Mr Mark Lowton is no longer being held against his will.

I also notice that the rescuing of Mr Lowton was undertaken by a private individual, who has therefore interfered with a police investigation.

This is a very serious matter, and as such a summons for your arrest has been issued at Basildon Magistrates Court.

You are therefore obliged to attend Basildon Police Station on Wednesday 28th inst at 10am, where you will be formally questioned, and possibly charged with the said offence.

DCI Worthing
Essex Police
'Helping to make a Happier County'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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