Poor Nick Clegg Can't Do Anything Right

Written by Adam Thomas James

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

On the morning of Tuesday 9th August, David Cameron who has had returns home early from his holiday, due to riots through-out the UK.

"Nicholas William Peter Clegg, what do you think you are playing at? I go on holiday and I come back to this. You said we trust you, you said you wanted more responsibility. This is how you repay us. Stolen property, broken windows, fires. Do you think this is funny?" David Cameron shouts furiously as he come storming through the door, only to find Nick Clegg hiding in the kitchen.

"But…" Replies Clegg before being hastily cut off.

"But what Nicholas, I had to come back off holiday early because of this. Half the street were on holiday and have had to come back early. Mayor Johnson heard about what's been going on and he has come back off holiday. Mayor Johnson. Not only that, I've had the head of the Metropolitan Police on the phone to me last night. And he is coming round later this morning. The head of the Metropolitan Police, Nicholas." States David still fuming with rage.

"But, it wasn't my fault" Nick says while starting to sob.

"It's never your fault is it Nicholas. Then, why does this all happen as soon as I go away and leave you in charge?" David asks. "You are forever saying give me a chance, I can do this, I can do that, I'm ready. Well you are not ready. Are you? Looting! Rioting! Fires! Everywhere! Mr Reeve's furniture shop burnt down last night."

"But I was doing any of it?" Nick says trying to justify his actions

"You weren't stopping it though, were you? Mrs Smith's boy came home with three bags of Tesco's value rice. Is this some sort of silly joke to kids? Why are you stealing rice? You don't even eat rice. Do you!" Silent except for Nick's sobbing "What happen to you in the last 18 months Nicholas? You use to be such a polite, quite boy. Lying, cheating and now this. You promised all your little friends that you would buy them degrees, but now you are making them pay far more than they were before!"

"But you said…" Nick

"What did I say, what did I say? Tell me what I said, Nicholas." Silence "I wanted to create a loving society. I wanted to take police off the street, I wanted fewer police officers. Well, well done Mr, that's not going to happen now. So you have made me look silly. Is that what you wanted?" David whose has the blood vessels in his neck and forehead visibly pumping and nostrils flaring.

"no" mumbles Nick

"That football game tomorrow night in Wembley, that's not happening anymore. I phoned the coached of both teams they've agreed that what has happened is unacceptable. So it is not going ahead anymore. So you have ruined that for yourself haven't you!" David says, as his voice starts to get firmer again.

"I'M SORRY" Screams Nick

"Oh, sorry is not good enough Mr. Don't think for one minute I am going to stop there. You are so grounded, and no TV, internet or phone for a month. The only thing you can watch is the news. And. You are also going to go to Birmingham and apologies in person."

"That's not fair" Nick mumbles as he tries to wipe away the tears streaming down his face

"Go and get your shoes on, you are leaving in five minutes." Cameron says with eyes ablaze whilst pointing at the door.

Nick walks out the kitchen door with shoulders hunched, looking at the floor crying and dragging his feet.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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