Dear Mark,
Why oh why do you let things like this happen? I have just read, in the magazine section of your esteemed website, the most execrable, disgusting, expletive ridden article it has ever been my misfortune to ever come across. It was entitled, 'Have You Farted?' and although it contained a warning about foul and abusive language, nothing could have prepared me for the disgusting nature of the article. Which I read three times, five thumbed, then went down the local library and the community centre and five thumbed all over again. Twice. There should be no place on your site for such unmitigated filth. I was in shock reading it. Shock I say! Oh how I yearn for the halcyon days of yesteryear, and the innocent stories about Robert Pattinson's penis being allergic to vaginas of all persuasions.
Regards
Martin Shuttlecock.
***
Dear Mark,
Can't you ban that Martin Shuttlecock from the website? Not only is the wanker a Manchester United fan, he's also a deeply unfunny tosser, and an egomaniac to boot. Surely the Spoof can attract better scribes than that knob end? I remember reading on the site that he said he 'dumbs down' his articles, but you can't get dumber than dumb. Can you? I'll tell you this - if I was a woman, married to him, (which I'm not so it's all hypothetical) I'd wake him up in the morning by pouring the contents of a boiling kettle over his gonads. Get rid of him! He's a pain in the arse!
Yours
Reddon.
***
Dear Mark,
You're not especially 'dear' to me. That all sounds a bit gay, and I'm not comfortable with that sort of thing. Anyway, that's beside the point (Not in a gay way) what I'm writing to you about, in my capacity as Caretaker, is that Martin Shuttlecock, and his mate, Reddon. They're just shit, and they lower the tone. There are some really good writers on your site, proper talented writers who should be encouraged and nurtured, and perhaps enticed with promises of financial remuneration and free nights out at Spearmint Rhino. Let's get this show on the road! Kick Shuttlecock and Reddon to the kerb! Send me loads of money!
Regards
Skoob.
***
Dear Mark,
You don't want to listen to that Skoob. The man is schizophrenic. Not only does he not wear a pork pie hat (as he falsely claims to) but he is, in fact, a Thai ladyboy from Bangkok with a history of frog abuse and a penchant for eating slippers. He's just a bitter and twisted old fart who gets his kicks from baiting nuns and members of the clergy. In fact, if we were you, we'd have nothing to do with myslef. We'd wash our hands of us. Like the pilot fellow, who landed that plane in the Hudson River. He won't have anything to do with the Spoof either. That should tell you something.
Goodnight from me, and goodnight from them,
Martin Shuttlecock and Reddon.
***
Dear Mark,
Ignore those tossers. They're just bitter and twisted, and if they don't start behaving I'll increase their rent. They live in my head. Like lice. Horrible bastards.
Regards
Skoob.
