with Prince Constantin Ferdinand Maria of Liechtenstein, Winner Of "Landlocked Royalty Goat Fancier Of The Year 2003"
"Salutations, gentle goat-lovers. Here are some of my favourite facts about the goats. I trust that you will enjoy them."
1) I knew a woman once who was interested in goat husbandry.
She wanted to marry a goat.
2) Goat breeding is quickly learned. You can pick it up on the hoof.
3) My favourite goat is the Mesopotamian Singing Goat. A herd is known, to the Mesopotamian goatherds, as a "choir". They are often taught to sing traditional Mesopotamian folk songs. To hear their ullulations drifting across the Mesopotamian foothills is an otherworldly experience. I long to hear them singing along with the plangent chords of one of the ancient Lyres of Ur. My dream is to hear them accompanied by the Mesopotamian Shepherd's Bagpipes. But that's just a pipedream. A bagpipe dream.
3) Football would be funnier if they replaced the word "goal" with the word "goat". League positions might be decided on goat difference when points were equal. The goatkeeper would be the last line of defence. Every club would be looking for a proven goatscorer. Did Geoff Hurst's shot really cross the goatline in 1966? According the the Azerbaijani linesman, Tofik Bahram oglu Bahramov, it was a perfectly good goat. Who can forget swarthy Diego Maradona's infamous "Hand of God" goat in 1986? All the fans love a bit of goatmouth action. Match of The Day could have a Goat of the Month, or even a Goat of the Season competition. TV would show the goats again, from every angle. "Goat" works a lot better than "coal" in this context. Or "foal". And "coal" is surely a step too far even for this rubbish.
4) A goat named "Maurice" from Liechtenstein, who lived in the 1970s, was famous for having memorised all of Shakespeare's sonnets and also the poems of Andrew Marvell. "Maurice, he was a wonderful goat", recollected his owner, Lighthouse keeper Adolf Splungenfeld, from Rotenboden. "Though he was never the poems to recite, he must have these works remembered, due to his the books having themselves eaten."
5) Bugger. We have run out of goat facts.
6) Perhaps we can use some other types of fact. No, we would never get away with it. Very well, then. Nobody reads this rubbish anyway.
7) Lawn Tennyson is a very popular sport in Britain. This year's final saw "Come Into The Garden Maud" triumph over "The Charge Of The Light Brigade" 6-2, 6-3, 6-4. The trophy was presented to Alfred Lawn Tennyson by The Duchess of Duke Street and the Queen of Puddings.
8) Pretty Boy Floyd was one of the most vicious Rock Star gangsters. Johnny "Syrup" Pardew was one of the most viscous of the gangland bosses. Eddie "Sackbut" Nicholson was one of the first Antique Instrument Gangsters.
9) Marco Polo was the first man to discover China whilst playing a sport on horseback. Previous explorers had merely discovered it while exploring.
10) Lord Nelson's favourite instrument was the blues harp. He was playing blues harmonica in the style of Sonny Boy Williamson II when he was shot on board the HMS Victory at Trafalgar. Below decks, his last words were "These French dudes sure don't dig the blues. Worst audience I ever had. Hit me with some 'Shakey Horton', or cut me some 'Little Walter', Hardy. Those cats knew how to swing. "
11) Scientists in Westphalia produced a tartan octopus in 1967 by mating a Hairless Afghan Goat with a set of bagpipes.
12) According to an old Peruvian legend, if you walk a goat backwards around Lake Titicaca, you will grow older, but the goat will grow wiser.
13) My ancestor, Kaspar Mieningenschluber, the Kraubheim Liebfraumilcher of Lumpenburg, was notably absent-minded. One day he handed a goat to his servant instead of his coat, saying "hang that up for me in the cloakroom, my good fellow." The tales about him trying to milk an ermine gown are, however, surely apocryphal.
"And so we reach the end of our 'Goat Fest', dear reader. Until we once again meet in 'Goat-Communion', I bid thee adieu, and it only remains for me to offer the age-old farewell of the Liechtenstein Goatherder:
PCFM of L."