Letters To The Editor About Phone Hacking

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


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A Stunned Reader In Shock, Yesterday

Dear Sir,

I got so fucking angry about all these phone calls what I get all day long from bastards trying to sell me all kinds of cunting crap that I took a stanley knife out of my drawer and hacked off the cord from my handset to the socket. Now no cunt can ring me at all. Seen as how the only calls I ever got were from twats in Calcutta or Milton Keynes wanting me to claim back fucking Payment Protection Insurance or spend two hours answering a twatting survey, they can all fuck off to hell.

Now all I have to do is work out how to use this bastarding mobile phone I got for Christmas in 2000, and I'm fucking sorted.

Bastard Cunts.

Carl Embolism

Dear Sir,

every time I try to make a phone call, I start coughing. This is no joke, since I have developed a really bad hacking cough and I struggle to make myself understood in the phone conversation. My pen pal, Haile Selassie, who lives in Ethiopia and works for I think Local Government up there (he is always going on about eradicating slavery), reckons it is due to my smoking Capstan Full Strength cigarettes every time I am on the phone. This is because I am nervous of speaking on the telephone. When I was a young girl, I was shouted at by a distant aunt on the phone who was worried about goats trampling her cloches, and since then I have suffered. I do not smoke Capstan, or anything else, at any other times. Yes, there is the hookah, at Christmas and Lady-Day - the balsamic odour of Eastern tobacco is, I find, a wonderful sedative - but nought else. I wonder, do any of your readers have any tips about how to combat on-phone nerves in such a way as to obviate the use of strong tobacco and its pulmonary consequences?

Yours sincerely,

Stanley Knyffe,
Salisbury Plain.

Dear Sir,

I had to write in after seeing all this talk about the News of the World hacking into Milly Dowler's mobile. I am absolutely disgusted. Speaking as one who, in all innocence, buys the New of the World every week, I am truly sickened to learn about the things that are being talked about.

It really is what I must call a step too far. What must the family be going through with all this coming out? Speaking as one who buys all the newspapers that are talking about these things and watches the TV with all the news shows talking about these things, I just think it's all terrible.

Why can't they leave people alone? When I buy all the papers tomorrow and watch all the news programmes, and when I buy the New of the World next and next watch Sky TV, I am really worried about what I will see. I am currently logged into the Daily Telegraph website, where they have live updates on the phone hacking scandal, and I can hardly watch.


Ken Hypocrite,
Glass House,

Dear Sir,

can I just say how pleased I am that Ed Miliband is calling for Rebekah Brooks, Chief Executive of News International, to consider her position in the light of the phone hacking scandal.

I did previously think Ed Miliband was a right useless drip, a bit like one of those Creature Comforts plasticine figures, but I have revised my opinion. I bet News International are running scared today.

I am sure that this is no token gesture from a hapless, rubber-faced puppet opposition leader. I think there will be consequences now.

Well done Ed Miliband for speaking out when thousands wouldn't dare.

Yours sincerely,

William Benjamin Disraeli-Gladstone,

Dear Sir,

can I just say "deja vu"?

thank you,

Nigel Knobbler,
Bay of Biscay

Dear Sir,

the current scandal recalls a similar one from the days of my Great Grandfather, Sir Eustace Loincastle. When it emerged that he was being blackmailed by his butler, Pewkes, the investigation was abetted by the work of journalists who "hacked into" Sir Eustace's What The Butler Saw machine.

I merely lay this before your readership, by way of an historical reflection.

Yours etc,

Sir Christopher Patron-Saint,

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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