Written by Inhopeless

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

This Poem Expresses My Feelings for You
Bob Gates, English Literature Student

My dearest Sarah,

Your eyes twinkle like the stars,
You smell like a rose,
I could bring the moon down for you...I will reach up and take it in my hands, write your name on it, and give it to you. It will be yours until the end of time.

We could live on the mountains...

Do you want the stars? I will roam the universe for all eternity, picking up little stars, and give them to you as a necklace.

I will follow you - even to the depths of the oceans.

I want you. Please, end my agony for you!


Nice Try, Do Research
Sarah Smith, Applied Physics Student

That's pretty nice Bob. I appreciate it. You're sweet doing this.

But, you need to get some facts straight. This is stuff 15-year olds do in school.

Firstly, the pressure under the sea reaches the equivilent of, maybe, ten atomspheres. Even capable divers can't stand that. So, no offence, how can you, a layperson do it? Submarine vessels, yeah, but, seriously... not even the guys in Aquaology can charter one.

We cannot live on a mountain together. Either of us would get exhausted from the climb, and the air is poor in oxygen.

You cannot get down the moon from me. Even if you could, even moving it 10,000km could cause huge tidal waves, earthquakes, you name it. Essentially, there wouldn't be a me and you.

The human eye can see over 3000 things in the sky. Even if you were to collect all of them and give them to me, not only would you burn off the Earth, you would also distort space-time so much, you could actually reverse the flow of time. And before that could happen, the dense, packed mass would just collapse, and collapse and collapse and then form a black hole so big... well.

The only true thing you said was that I 'smell like a rose'. It's a good thing you noticed my perfume.

But nonetheless, I'm sorry. Nice try, but... maybe try an art major student?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more