Lucifer Chairs Bilderberg Conference

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 15 May 2011


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Possible location of Conference.

The annual Bilderberg meeting comprising the most powerful men on the planet is currently under way at a secret location in Italy. This conference draws up and implements policies for ruling the world. Resolutions are voted on and passed to world leaders. A Bilderberg conference conceived and launched the EEC.

Chairing this years meeting is Lucifer himself. Hence the manic secrecy concerning what goes on as Lucifer has usually been present in one form or another at most of them. However, a secret tape of the first day of the meeting has been smuggled out by a waiter and we can now tell you what this meeting is about.

Lucifer began by tabling the motions to be discussed to a gathering of some fifty VIPs all seated around an oval table. Among them were Richard Branson representing the aviation industry; Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton - politics; David Cameron - politics; Steven Spielberg - world film industries, Rupert Murdoch - media; Donald Rumsfeld - U.S. military: Christopher Little - publishing; many magnates of industry were also present and, of course, world political leaders.

The devil made it perfectly clear, with his usual charm, what he expected from each. To Spielberg he remonstrated that the blood and gore movies had "gone cold" and something would have to be done to prevent people from thinking that murder was morally wrong.

S: I will see what I can do, Your Omipotence. I will get Quentin onto it immediately. He has an idea of doing a movie on the medical experiments conducted on children at Auschwitz during the war.

L: Ah yes. My finest hour. My dear servant, can you get him to include kids with their middle fingers cut off leaving only two so that when they raise their little hands they will resemble my horns? (Laughter). That is my favourite Masonic symbol.

Next he rounded on Branson for not doing more in Australia.

L: Your mission was to take complete control so that Britain can take over that country again and make it our nuclear base in the East.

B: There is fierce competition from Qantas and other airlines. Perhaps you can...

L: Me! You know I can't get personally involved. It pisses Him off. I work through you. You do something about it!

B: Yes, Your Omnipotence. As soon as I return from planting the British flag on the ocean floor.

Addressing television and media executives Lucifer said he was disappointed by the fact that certain mortals still believed in "that ghostly abstraction they call freedom of speech".

L: The ABSENCE of freedom of speech must be accepted as the norm. The Norm! The way bad weather is. Just like we did with violence and we are currently doing with child pornography! If people got it into their heads that they are not allowed to kill each other we would have no wars. And then where would we be? We need more television shows taking the piss out of so-called democratic rights in general so that people don't notice they don't have any. (Laughter). Right? Give lawyers more power. Give them powers to make citizens arrest at will so that they can threaten the upright with immediate imprisonment. We need more corrupt judges too and, above all, more corrupt and willing newspaper editors and journalists. What happened to our dear friend Richard (Nixon) must never happen again!

Murdoch answered;

M: Progress is being made on our new Virtual Reality newspapers and magazines. At last we can have direct access to the subconscious mind Your Omnipotence.

L: Good. To hell with people thinking for themselves! That's a sin in my books.

On the war front he praised Clinton, Rumsfeld and Cheney for America's assassination of Bin Laden and the ongoing desecration of his memory but was disappointed the promised nuclear bomb hadn't gone off yet. Cheney answered.

C: Your Omipotence, the device is in place. It's in a brown paper parcel.

L: A parcel?

R: Yes, Your Omnipotence. It's in a handbag.

L: A haaaaaaaand baaaag?

R: Yes, Your Omnipotence. It is just a matter of timing. We plan to set it off just a day before the final of the World Baseball series. The explosion will be seen then, with the help of our media boys, as an assault on our culture. The bomb is in Havana. Naturally we don't want fallout coming to our mainland but we will have to take the risk. Besides, it will help to fuel American anger if a few of us get contaminated.

L: I like i; but why would Islamic leaders attack Cuba?

C: We have already programmed Fidel to denounce Islam in a special TV broadcast wherein he will curse Mohammed and spit on a photograph of Bin Laden. That should do it. (Laughter).

Turning to culture and literature Lucifer praised Christopher Little for managing to conceal his presence from the media for so long and that of his colleagues. Menacing scrutiny of Rowling's real past had been stopped everywhere and that was no mean achievement. "She should be encouraged to donate more money to charities." He said he liked the Potter films enormously as it laid the foundation for future "mind-control work on children all over the world". Fiennes made a "lousey devil" though. Real devils had noses because they liked to smoke.

L: I want the books in every single language for that reason and I want more of them written!

CL: My boys are working on it as we speak.

L: Good. I will give you some of my favourite authors to rifle. And do something about those damn Willy the Wizard people! I know you tried to get the case stifled by having a judge slap them with a two million quid bill. I laughed for a week. But that is not good enough! The case is still on for February next year. We cannot permit that to happen! Agreed, nobody takes those Jacobs people seriously and credit goes to you and Rupert for that. But slandering them as greedy and so on when we are the ones who are greedy as all hell, and proud of it, is not going to wash. I mean, who are the billionaires LIttle? (Laughter). Some stupid Muggle is likely to waken up to that simple fact and our game will be bust. Pay them off or put them in a plane full of explosives but get rid of them! We have far too much riding on Harry Potter. You are putting our mission to enslave the human race mentally and spiritually at great risk!

L: Yes, Your Omnipotence. I will get our Stormbloggers onto it right away.

The rest of the conference was given over to the business of fomenting revolutions around the world, so that "our own people" can be put in power, the devil reminding all and sundry how important war is for keeping people afraid so as to make profits from their insecurities. He had some interesting things to say to Spielberg on that subject.

L: The film industry has done a great job in making murder socially acceptable. Clint more than any of us made the crime look as natural as brushing one's teeth, which it is of course, for those at the right end of a gun. I particularly like Clint's "eye of Horus" bit in the "Unforgiven" movie when he shoots Little Bill. Better even than Travolta's Masonic horns dance with Thurman. Gender confusion among the young has been growing wonderfully well like a cancer and I could not be more proud, but there really aren't enough pro-homosexual movies around. Younger and younger children, encouraged by their parents and peers, are believing they are the opposite of what they were meant to be. How He hates me for that! Brokeback Mountain I believe was the last; and if that idiot Ledger hadn't topped himself from guilt we could have had a few sequels out there. Television is doing its bit; and, of course, our media and television stations, in preventing any information about Aids getting about. I want you to get our favourite spokeslady Madonna to announce as soon as possible that she is a lesbian. And I want J.K. Rowling to do the same. We will have to get cracking on that right away, boys and girls. (Laughter). Speaking of guilt - get our medical researchers to put it out that guilt is due to a rogue gene and is curable. For a modest fee. (Laughter).

To David Cameron he gave high praise.

L: Opening the Maddie McCann case again and getting Scotland Yard to launch it was a brainwave worthy of myself. (Laughter). So long as the Muggles don't remember that it was their own government who stopped the Portuguese investigation in 2008. Rupert will make sure that this is not mentioned anywhere. Use the story to frighten mums and dads to death, Rupert. Britain will gain much ground from this as we teach the world to see her as a morally righteous country, (takes out a large red hankie and blows his nose) just like we did with the Catholic Church. (Laughter). No dirty linen in our cupboards. (More laughter). Pedophile politicians in Her Majesty's government? Perish the thought! (riotous laughter). That is what I really admire about the Brits. They hide their shit with such diplomatic zeal. (Laughter). Remember the IHS Templar Castle episode, South of France, 2002, when we had to smuggle Prince Philip and William out of there with bags over their heads? Can't even find a video of that myself. Not a word of it since. Masterful! We had one hell of a sacrificial party going that night too. Do tell my boys at Westminster I send them my fondest regards.

Donald Rumsfeld got to his feet:

R: May I say how wonderful it is to see you laugh Your Omnipotence?

L: Stop it Donald! Before I send you back to Havana to pick up my handbag. (Laughter).

So ended the first day of this years Bilderberg conference.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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