Man through the Ages

Funny story written by JAB

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

You haven't showered and are in the grubbiest clothes you own, when, you realize you need something at Lowe's. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, put gel in your hair, brush and floss your teeth, put on clean clothes and your Air Jordan 2010's. Where's my iPod? Check yourself in the mirror -- 'awesome dude'. Put on some Intimately Beckham for Men cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot babe while twittering in the checkout line. There was body language going with that awesome chick at the cash register last time

In your 30's:

Stop what you're doing. Wash your hands, comb your hair, change your shorts and slip on your Bruno Magli's. Where's my MP3 player? Check yourself in the mirror -- 'still got it, man'. Put on some Armani Mania cologne. You're already married to the hottest babe, the boss's daughter. You've seen the hottie running the cash register on facebook.

In your 40's:

Stop what you're doing. Wash your hands, cover your bald spot with a hat and a baggy sweatshirt to hide your gut. Put on your newest pair of crocs. Where's my Sony discman? Check yourself in the mirror -- 'that mirror sucks'. Splash on, some Polo Sport. The doll at the cash register makes you think of Hooters, and then you feel guilty when you realize she's probably your daughter's age.

In your 50's:

Stop what you're doing. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt and put your hat on. Put on your flip flops. Where's my Sony Walkman cassette player? Check yourself in the mirror -- 'jeez this shirt makes me look fat'. Your bottle of Brut is nearly empty; you use it sparingly. The sweet thing running the cash register smiles when she sees you coming and you think, yyyeeess, as you take off your headset. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Master Bait & Tackle, Bonita Beach, Florida.

In your 60's:

Stop what you're doing. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out. No need for a hat. Hose the dirt off your beat up Sperry Top- Siders. Where's my Philips compact 8-track? You don't need a mirror to slap on a handful of Old Spice. The young thing at the cash register may be pretty, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Lowe's, until the guy selling the hot dogs out front has set up. You don't even smell -- let alone notice -- the dog crap on your old lace up Oxfords with the mismatched socks. Where's my Regency TR-1 AM transistor radio? Look in the mirror to make sure your teeth are in and then yell in pain after you put the Aqua Velva on. The gal at the cash register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Lowe's. Make sure the Velcro is secure on your oversize all white 'Health Walk' sneakers. Where's my hearing aid? Look in the mirror and wonder who's taking a swig of your New Musk for Men that your great granddaughter gave you last Christmas. Get to Lowe's and wander around trying to think of what it is you're looking for. Yell, bingo, when the store intercom asks for an associate in aisle G. You went to school with the lady you met at the store entrance but she still can't help you find your car. No matter, you still remember to give her a wink and a smile and say, "thank you."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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