God Shows Up at Papal Mass, Tells Pope: "Just Shut Up"

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Friday, 15 October 2010

During a papal mass that was being given at the Vatican, God made a surprise visit and interrupted the Pope, who was speaking from the podium and told him: "JUST SHUT UP!"

"JUST SHUT UP!" God yelled at the Pope. "Do me a favor and SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You are embarrassing me".

"First off", God growled, "You are not the voice of God. The only person who is the voice of God is ME!!! What really, annoys the hell out of me is you, claiming to be the voice of God! You are making me look like a lover of pedophilia. Man, you have your priests and nuns running about and sexually abusing both boys and girls and here you are supporting them. Geez, when did I tell you to do that?"

"Man, I am ready to start smiting things all over again, like in the old days. Hell, had I not taken that anger management course back in the day, I would be smiting your butt all over the place".

"The other thing that really pisses me off is this crap about confession, communion and absolution. It makes no fricken sense! What you are allowing, is for someone to commit any crime that they want. Any crime! All they have to do is visit Father McMuddled in a confession booth, confess their crimes and say a bunch of Hail Mary's and our Father's and 'bam!' They are forgiven".

"No punishment! No deterrent! No amends for the victims that they screwed! Not even an apology! They all receive a nice clean slate. It's like the crimes they committed never happened. They can all go out and commit the same crimes all over again. What the hell is that all about?"

"No wonder they are the only ones smiling after leaving a Catholic Mass. They have been absolved of their sins. All their victims have been screwed. What happens to the victims? I bet none of them are smiling".

"Well", replied the pope. "We just tell them to pray".

"Pray for what?" yelled an exasperated God.

"Um, for the people who screwed them to not screw them any more", answered the Pope. "I mean, the people who screwed them do have a clean slate, so it is as if nothing happened. That is the beauty of absolution. Absolution allows the sinners to perform the same sin all over again. Isn't that the way you wanted it? I mean, you did tell Pope what's his name that way back when, when he was on acid. Didn't you?"

"Man you are one sick puppy", groaned God. "Another thing, how come the Catholic Church rails against being gay when half the priests and nuns are gays and lesbians? What is the deal with that?"

Well", started the Pope. "We have the gay priests and lesbian nuns to determine which boys are gay and which girls are lesbians. They say gays and lesbians are born that way you know. So boinking them while they are young should not be a problem".

"How the hell does that help the mission of the Catholic Church?" asked a stunned God.

"Urm… Well…", meekly responded the Pope. "It will allow the nuns with their strap-ons and the priests with their erections to 'pound Jesus into them'. Gee, I mean, it's just a matter of time before the United States school system will be doing the same thing. So, what's the problem? We are ahead of our time".

"So, how do you know which ones are gay?" asked God.

"That's easy", laughed the Pope. "They are all the cute, pretty boys and girls with the really cute butts".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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