Paris Hilton Gives Lindsay Lohan Tips on Being a Jail Bitch

Funny story written by Charpa93

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

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It seems like only yesterday, another Hollywood bad girl celebrity was being hauled off to jail after stringing the Los Angeles judicial system along for what seemed an eternity. A little over three years ago, in May, 2007, Paris Hilton was on her way to jail with jokes about pink jumpsuits and private cells with hot tubs following right behind.

Now it's Lindsay Lohan's turn and Paris, having learned her lesson from her brief stint in the slammer, is offering Lohan some much-needed advice on how to survive being a jail bitch. Here are some pearls of wisdom imparted by Hilton to Lohan while the two shared mai-tais by Lohan's pool:

"First thing you have to understand is when they say 30 days, they really mean 10 days or something like that, so don't be so scared. It's over before you know it."

"Don't try to smuggle in any pot. They search you really good, even 'down there.'"

"Remember, you are Lindsay Lohan, not some low-life regular person. You have money and status, so use that to your advantage. You'd be amazed at how much extra gravy they'll put on your mashed potatoes if you smile pretty and tell the jail cook he/she can be in your next movie."

"Find the biggest, ugliest woman in there and make her your BFF. The other bitches will have lots of respect if you have the name and the power. You might not understand this now, but believe me, you'll understand once you get inside."

"Kissing girls isn't as bad as you think it is. Oh wait, never mind, you already know that."

"Don't look at this as a negative thing. Before I went to jail, I was always worried about when they would finally send me to jail. They were always riding my ass and telling me I was going to be sorry. I had to constantly be on the lookout when I lit up a joint or had a few drinks and then drove myself home. It was a real pain in the ass. But, with jail time behind you, they tend to lighten up, so eventually, you can go anyplace in the world and break drug laws and all they do is slap a little fine on you and tell you to go home. In fact, if you don't cause a scene, you usually end up getting an apology and a key to the city."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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