The Budget

Funny story written by Rodney Ohebsion

Saturday, 3 July 2010

The United States federal government collects two and a half trillion dollars in tax revenues a year from people like you, your ex-wife's divorce attorney (at least someone's taking money from that jerk), Colonel Sanders, and Gary Shandling (but definitely not me-because I'm way too smart for those bastards.).

If you had that money in hundred dollar bills and put it all into one stack, you'd be a freakin' idiot for wasting your time with such stupid crap.

Really. I mean, what's the point? We know $2.5 trillion is a lot of money. We don't need a gigantic stack of hundreds to prove it.

But if you were to build a stack like that, it would make it all the way to the end of the universe. (And that's the just the federal government's money. Add state and city taxes, and you'd have to wait for the universe to expand just to make room for your stack.)

And what do they do with all of that money? Believe it or not, they spend every penny of it-and then some! (And you thought MC Hammer was bad.)

But what do they spend it on?

$700 billion goes to Medicare, Medicaid, Med-a-wear, and Medicrap. Why? Because we like eating junk food instead of disgusting stuff like oranges, apples, cucumbers, tomatoes, and almonds. Ughh!

$600 billion goes to Social Security. That's right. All of those old psychos complain about everything all day are actually getting paid to do it. (Just be glad we're not paying middle aged married women to complain. That would bankrupt us in about three hours.)

$550 billion goes to defense. Why? Because we have no idea how to get along with others.

$300 billion goes to unemployment and welfare. Which is actually a halfway justifiable expense, if you're into all of that communist trickle up BS. But then again, let's not kid ourselves-half of the people collecting that money deserve a kick in the butt instead of a check in the hand.

$250 billion goes to interest on our ever expanding debt. In other words, it goes to the Jews-and if things don't change soon, they'll end up repossessing the entire country.

$90 billion goes to education and training. For once, a figure that actually seems a bit low-and it would be low, too, if not for the fact that our schools are funded by states and cities.

$75 billion goes to transportation-most of which is spent on moving a truckload of dirt back and forth so it looks like the government is actually doing something.

$70 billion goes to veterans' benefits-which seems a little unfair to me considering how I risk my life every day asking my mother-in-law to move out, and no one pays me a cent

$45 billion goes to the administration of justice-but considering how it took me 173 minutes to cancel my AOL account (and those bastards still charged me for the next four months), I'd say we're not getting our money's worth.

$35 billion goes to the environment. In other words, even though the environment is free, the government still finds a way to spend money it.

$30 billion goes to foreign affairs-which seems like a lot to me considering how I only spent $1,500 on my affair with a Canadian cocktail waitress.

$25 billion goes to agriculture-which really doesn't make sense to me considering how I still have to pay for my fruits and vegetables. (I guess that 22 cent apple actually costs $25,000,000,000.22)

$25 billion goes to community and regional development-but judging by the fact that liquor stores outnumber people three to one in a quarter of the country, I'd say some communities haven't seen a penny of that money.

$25 billion goes to science and technology-most of which is spent on the President's video game collection.

$20 billion goes to energy-which makes me think we're buying batteries from the wrong place. (I mean, Wal-Mart sells 50 AAs for only $3.72)

$20 billion goes to general government expenses (-probably hookers for the Kennedy family. Although according to my calculations, that's not nearly enough to cover the bill.

And the grand total comes close to three trillion dollars.

But to be fair, the federal government does do a lot for the people, and I suppose all of its spending does make some sense-until you consider how from 1776 to 1912, Uncle Sam and Co. hardly even collected income taxes!

That's right. Those !@#$%% went from spending a few dollars here and there to dropping well over 300 Paris Hilton years on an average day.

Which leads me to believe that there are some serious shopaholics running things in Washington.

And to make matters worse, there's really not a damn thing we can do about it.

I mean, if your husband blows your on a new TV or your wife spends a fortune on a new outfit (-why you have both a wife and a husband, I'll never know-), you can at least complain and get him/her to take it back (although to be honest, odds are you're just going to end up pissing off both of them).

But we can't stop the government from ending up a few hundred billion in the hole each year.

And as we continue to add to our $12 + trillion debt, at some point someone is going to ask for some of that money back, our entire house of cards will come falling down, and the Angel of Credit will take 40 grand out your behind.

So what should we do?

I say we return the country to the Indians, and let them pay the money back

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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