Camera-Wielding Terrorist Files Suit Against Blackwater Petrol

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 3 July 2010

image for Camera-Wielding Terrorist Files Suit Against Blackwater Petrol
The weapon threatened to deliver high-powered images of oil spill devastation, terrorizing company officials.

Dr. Wheelan, a conservation coordinator for the American Birdwatching Association, is filming across the street from Blackwater Petrol's response command building in Louisiana.

He is standing in a field when he is approached by a police officer.

Officer: "How are you this afternoon, sir?"

Wheelan: "Fine, how ..."

Officer: "Can I see some identification, sir?"

Wheelan (reaching for wallet): "Sure. What ..."

Officer: "Sir, I strongly suggest you leave this area immediately. Blackwater Petrol says they don't want anybody filming around here."

Wheelan: "Oh? Am I violating some sort of law?"

Officer: "Not per se, but like I said, sir, Blackwater Petroleum doesn't want people filming around here, so I think it might be in your best interest to am-scray, if you get my meaning."

Wheelan: "Actually, I don't, and I'm not on Blackwater Petrol property anyway, so there's not much they can do about it, is there?

The officer steps toward Wheelan, getting in so close Wheelan can smell the officer's breath - tuna salad. "That's not what I was expecting," he thinks to himself.

Officer: "Let me put it to you this way. Blackwater Petroleum doesn't want any filming in this area, so I strongly suggest that you not film anything at all starting right now. In fact, I think it would be best for you not to be here at all! Does that make sense to you?"

Wheelan: "Yes, actually, it tells me you have some serious control issues. Okay, okay. I'll leave. Jeez, Louise!"

Wheelan loads his camera, gets in his car and drives away.

Moments later, he is pulled over by the same cop, but this time Blackwater Petrol's Chief of Security Kendrick Thomas is with him. They all exit their vehicles. The officer leans against the patrol car, smiling as Thomas interrogates Wheelan for 20 minutes.

Thomas: "Who do you work for?"

Wheelan: "My boss."

Thomas: "No, I mean what company do you work for."

Wheelan: "What company do you work for?"

Thomas: "That's none of your damned business!"

Wheelan: "Well, then it's none of your business who I work for, either."

Thomas: "Actually, it is. I'm in charge of security around here, so I'll ask the questions. Now tell me what the hell you are doing here."

Wheelan: "Here? You mean right here? You're in charge of security right here by the side of the road? Almost two miles from the field where I was watching birds?"

Thomas gives Wheelan the middle finger.

Thomas: "Here's a bird for you! Now beat it, before I call the cops!"

Wheelan: "There's a cop standing right behind you! Hey, officer, did you just see this man give me the finger?"

Officer: "Yep."

Wheelan: "Well, aren't you going to do anything about it?"

Officer: "I already did!"

Wheelan: "Oh, yeah?"

Officer: "Yeah!"


Wheelan: "Well? What?"

Officer: "I laughed!"

Thomas: "Shut up, both of you. Look, I'm going to ask you one more time: Who do you answer to?"

Wheelan: "My religious beliefs are none of your concern."

Thomas: "Don't be smart. You know what I mean. Who do you work for? If you won't cooperate, I'm going to take this up with your superiors."

Wheelan: "My superiors? Hey, like I already told you, I'm here in Louisiana birdwatching."

Wheelan reaches into his pocket and removes a condom.

Wheelan: "Oops. Heh-heh! How'd that get in there?"

Removing his wallet, he nervously places the condom inside. Then, he reaches into his other pocket and retrieves an official Audubon Society volunteer training badge that he recently received after participating in one of the nonprofit environmental organization's conservation programs.

Wheelan: "Look. Here's my official Audubon Society ..."

Thomas: "Gimme that!"

He snatches the badge away.

Wheelan: "Hey!"

Wheelan lunges at Thomas, grabbing for the badge, but Thomas turns away from him, cupping it to his chest. Wheelan slaps Thomas in the face, and the two grapple for a few moments, until the officer finally fires off several rounds from his Glock.

Officer: "Sorry, Mr. Thomas. I'm afraid you're gonna have to give that back to him. Maybe you should call it a day, sir."

They release Wheelan, who is then followed by two unmarked security cars for 20 miles. The police officer turns out to be an off-duty sheriff's deputy moonlighting for Blackwater Petrol.

Wheelan: "I'm suing!"

Sheriff's department: "The deputy's pulling someone over in his official vehicle while working for a private company is standard and acceptable practice, because Wheelan was acting suspicious and could have been a terrorist."

Thomas: "Here, take this, and let me know if you see any more 'terrorists,' okay?"

Officer: "You got it, Mr. Thomas!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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