Are You A Russian?

Written by Earl Grey

Tuesday, 4 May 2010


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image for Are You A Russian?
Russians shit in the woods-particularly at weekends

Have you ever thought that you may in fact be a Russian? Are you a follower of Trotsky, or did you just love Dr Shivago? If so, you may really be a Russian. To help you find out if you really are a Russian, take the following test:

1) You are waiting at the bus stop in the morning. The bus arrives. Do you:
a) Wait patiently in a queue until it is your turn;
b) allow an old lady to go before you
c) beat seven shades of shit out of everybody else only to find that there are no free seats on the bloody bus anyway.

2) As you approach the escalators prior to leaving the metro station, you notice a lone child, stranded amongst the crowd. Do you:
a) immediately rush to help the child;
b) concentrate on beating everyone else to the exit;
c) walk as fast as you can, so that you knock the child, and anyone else, flying in order to reach the exit before all others.

3) It is a Bank Holiday weekend. To celebrate, do you:
a) take the family away for the weekend
b) take the girlfriend away for the weekend
c) drink as much vodka as you can, become such a pain in the arse that your wife goes away with your girlfriend for the weekend.

4) You meet a stranger from another country. Do you:
a) greet them warmly, and welcome them to Russia;
b) ignore them, pretending to read something in the free newspaper;
c) beat them frequently, telling them to "fuck off, Russia is for the Russians".

5) You have gone to the supermarket. Do you:
a) wander the aisles, taking your time to browse;
b) just go in to get what you want;
c) stabbed some old babooshka to get the last trolley, then furiously race against other shoppers to get the best discounts in shampoo and toilet rolls.

6) You have been flagged down by the traffic police for speeding. Do you:
a) accept the possible fine and await a written slip from the officer;
b) cry, plead, beg that you have a wife, seven children and no job;
c) hand over your documents with a 5000 ruble note strategically hidden within the pages.

Score 1 point for a, 2 points for b, and 10 points for c.

1-6 points: you are a stranger in a strange land, you are Mr Westy!
7-15 points : was your father called Ivan?
more than 15: zdrasvitye! Get the shashlick and vodka. You are a Russian without a doubt!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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