Rude Health

Funny story written by Rob Barratt

Tuesday, 13 April 2010


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Dear all,

You know you are getting older when you start fancying the women in the "Healthspan" brochures. They are always attractive older women. But be careful how many supplements you take ................

Rude Health by Rob Barratt

Robert needs supplements to keep him alive
Ginseng, 1000 milligrams, 180 for £7.95
They come in a new slimline plastic container
Which slides into the smallest space. It's ace!
No room to spare in the war against wear and tear
Remember Old Mother Hubbard?
Her cupboard was unhealthily bare
She needed "Flexi-joints for dogs"
A pet-product that this brochure flogs

Joy likes her soy … isoflavones with black cohosh
I wouldn't josh. She buys plenty, £12.95 for 120
In oestrogens it's high, which is why she decides to buy
The starflower oil with sage. It's because of her age
Each tablet contains 400 milligrams
Of this high quality water extracted herb
It's superb
Joy also selects agnus castus
A pure natural herbal extract of the chaste tree
She hopes it's taste-free
Recommended intake, one-a-day
She stashes it away on the shelf, for her health

Nigel's neurotic about his probiotic
He wants some cod liver oil, which contains particularly
High levels of omega-3
460 milligrams DHA per 5 millilitre spoonful.
He buys a roomful
They're made from pure Atlantic cod
Which gets you closer to God
No mention of the general wish to conserve over-fished fish
Would pollock oil have the same appeal? It would not, I feel

And then there's John. Where's his life gone?
He wants some gingko biloba
He hopes his sex life isn't over
And that there's some life left in his wild rover
It helps your memory and your member
Puts back the fire in your dying ember
John admires the oldies in the ads. Grans and grandads
On a bike, on a beach, but out of reach
Full of vim as they swim, cycle and run and have fun
They're grey but fit and can still play a bit
John wonders what it took to get that look
Is it a natural gift or was it a face-lift?
They jog and throw and look as though
They're not too old for sex because they take Synergex
For brain, joints and heart
So their bodies don't fall apart
It's there on page 28. It's not too late
To get £2 off, if you buy all three
A bargain, you must agree.

Judith peruses a page with patience
The brochure offers various combinations
Of vitamins B, C, D and E
No A? I hear you say?
Vitamin C comes in "effervescent"
I'm sure that's particularly pleasant
It also come with Echinacea, which helps you to face yer
Encroaching old age with confidence. It all makes sense
It also comes in "sustained release" with zinc
What do you think?
Each 500 milligram tablet "meshes" the vitamin
With plant cellulose. Does that sound gross?
Judith's not rich but she clicks on order
Because she's a supplement afforder

Brian views the older models playfully pressing
He pictures the women undressing
Cosy couples cuddling and caressing
Enjoying their retirement years
Brian fears he'll remain a lonely guy
If he doesn't buy glucosamine sulphate
Or something for his prostate
He ponders and wonders
If he purchases some St John's Wort
Will he get to flirt with such desirable women
All cycling and swimming
So slender and tender with little body fat
Could he find a woman as perfect as that
In his age bracket? He buys a packet

Roger wants to live healthier and longer
He wants his organs and muscles to be stronger
But he just can't make his mind up. It's a bit of a wind-up
Saw palmetto, devil's claw. What's it all for?
Chondromax in economy packs
Green tea (caffeine-free)
Osteo plus. You could fill a bus
There's so much choice, which is all very nice
But what should he get to avoid regret?
In a male menopausal flush, he fells a sudden rush
To his head. It gets hot. He buys the lot
On Tuesday it arrives in the post
Next day at 24, Littleton Close
After eating his marmalade on toast
In an hallucogenic haze of oil of evening primrose
Roger becomes the world's first fatal health product

And a future feature for the Sunday supplements

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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