UNSAT 2010

Funny story written by Thomas S. Guisto

Saturday, 10 April 2010


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The Act is also cited in some circles as the Tiger Legacy.

Along with the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act and the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act that President Obama signed into law on March 23, the President also signed the Universal and Necessary Sexual Addiction Treatment (UNSAT) Act of 2010.

Apparently this law was passed during the lunch break the day the Democrats shutdown Congress in order to caucus on health care reform. The procedure used to ratify UNSAT was the little known Triple Deem Rule where the President, Speaker of the House, and the Senate Majority Leader all deem that the cure for sexual addiction is a National obligation.

UNSAT is deemed necessary to ensure Americans get the high-quality, affordable sexual addiction care they need and deserve. Under the status quo, too many Americans can not get the affordable treatment they require when they fall under the compulsive, insatiable, drive for sex. But sex health reform must make sex health care more than just sick sex care.

In addition, the Congressional Budget Office estimates that the enactment of UNSAT would produce a net reduction in Federal deficits of $143 billion over the next ten years.

An Act

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that this Act may be cited as the Universal and Necessary Sexual Addiction Treatment (UNSAT) of 2010. The Act is also cited in some circles as the Tiger Legacy.

Section 2011 - Background:
(a) The Plague of Sexual Addition - Health Care is considered to be a universal entitlement that covers every illness, disease, sickness, injury, wound, sore, infirmity, ailment, and malady. Sexual addiction is a recognized disease that needs to be addressed at the Federal level. The affliction of sexual addiction is currently at epidemic levels especially for persons in the entertainment, sports, and lawmaking occupations, plus all teenagers. The scourge of sexual addiction requires appropriate treatment in order for it to be eradicated from the American society. In addition, sexual addiction must be clearly defined in order for the American people to know it when they see it.

(b) Healthy Sex vs. Unhealthy Sex - While the vast majority of experts agree that sexual addiction is not defined by any particular sexual act, there is some disagreement on what constitutes a healthy sexual appetite vs. an unhealthy sexual addiction. Some experts consider sexually addiction as "Dirty Sex" because it includes the following three categories: Shameful, Secretive or Nasty. While others agree with Woody Allen (a well known expert on American sexual mores) who asserts that sex must be dirty in order for it to be "done right." Since currently there is no agreement on what healthy sexual activities vs. unhealthy activities are, all sexual activities are to be considered as possibly unhealthy and, therefore, subject to this Act.

Section 2012 - Purpose:

The purpose of this Act is to provide uniform guidelines in the identification and treatment of sexual addiction. In addition, this Act ensures that appropriate funding will be provided to fight this National plague. The Federal government remains committed to improving Health Care and the equality of treatment for all disorders at any cost.

Section 2013 - Coverage:
This Act covers all Americans of any age including, but not limited to, citizens, non-citizens, and undecideds who suffer from sexual addiction. (In other words, to help all Americans who can't get enough of it.) People with sexual addiction will not be discriminated against based on the sexual activities that they may be addicted to nor the level of addiction.

Section 2014 - Definitions:
(a) Sexual Addiction - For the purposes of this Act, sexual addiction is defined as conducting sexual activities of any kind, type, or form; including, but not limited to, those that may be considered legal or illegal by the local, state, or Federal governments. The sexual activity may be conducted in person with person or persons and/or singularly which may include employing the telephone, Internet, computer, TV, DVD, magazine, etc or not. Addiction is considered as any compulsive or impulsive sexual activity that may be at any level of dependency.

(b) Sex Addict - For the purposes of this Act, any person who meets the definition of sexual addiction as stated in Section 2014(a) above is considered as being a sex addict (SA). The sexual activities may involve the person, persons, and/or inanimate objects as defined in Sections 2014(c), (d), & (e) below or not.

(c) Significant Sexual Partner - For the purposes of this Act, a significant sexual partner (SSP) is a person who may be legally married, non-legally married (e.g. common-law marriage), or in other ways hold them self out as a SSP to the SA. Under this Act, the SA can declare only one SSP, but is not limited to the number of other sexual partners. This Act explicitly does not prohibit a SSP from being diagnosed with sexual addiction and receiving any and all benefits provided herein.

(d) Non-Significant Sexual Partner - For the purposes of this Act, a non-significant sexual partner (NSSP) is a person, other than a SSP, having sexually relations of any kind with a SA. A SA may have one or more NSSPs. This Act explicitly does not prohibit a NSSP from being diagnosed with sexual addiction and receiving any and all benefits provided herein.

(e) Sexual Addiction Without Sexual Partner - For the purposes of this Act, a sexual addiction without sexual partner (SAWSP) is defined as a SA conducting sexual relations without relations with another person or persons. A SA diagnosed with SAWSP may or may not perform sexual achievement employing such inanimate objects as listed in Section 2014(a) above. Inanimate objects can not receive any benefits provided herein.

Section 2015 - Diagnosis:

Being diagnosed with sexual addiction virtually always involves detection by a SSP or a NSSP who believes he/she is a SSP. The SA usually becomes aware of the detection from the SSP and/or NSSP, who normally notifies the SA verbally by employing screaming, yelling, curses, etc; but the SSP and/or NSSP may also use more physical communication methods by employing lamps, butcher knives, golf clubs, etc. Once the detection is communicated to the SA, the SA usually confesses to sexual addiction, substantiated through self-diagnosis. This self-diagnosis of sexual addiction is virtually always confirmed by medical experts and specialists willing to treat sexual addiction. Even though detection by a SSP and/or NSSP is not a requirement for being diagnosed with sexual addiction, currently there is no record of a person having the disease without such detection.

Section 2016 - Treatment:

Sexual addiction is currently being treated under a 12-Step Support Program; however, under this Act, the treatment is being reduced to a 3-Step Support Program because of costs and budgetary restraints.

(a) Step 1: Therapy - Therapy requires SAs to evaluate at how they cope with their personal relationships, and openly discuss their fears and challenges with intimacy, while in a safe, clearly defined therapeutic relationship. (In other words, SAs and therapists are discouraged to engage in consensual or nonconsensual sexual relationships.) SAs will continue their self-education, personal growth and sexual sobriety in individual treatment, and, with the expert assistance of a sexual addiction treatment therapist (SATT), develop an individual plan for sexual behavior change and support accountability to that plan. The Department of Health and Human Services will provide direction, training, and diagrams to all SATTs to ensure that all sexual activities are performed to governmental specifications.

(b) Step 2: Support - Sexual addiction support groups (SASGs) will be established in every community as needed. SASGs will consist of 2 or more SAs, with a maximum of 25 SAs. However, recognizing the numerous hazards of having 2 to 25 SAs in the same meeting room, personnel will be provided to serve as sexual addiction monitors (SAMs). Since the current status of sexual addiction is at epidemic proportions and is considered a possible treat to National security, SAMs will be provided at the Federal level and serve under the direction of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). DHS will provide direction, training, and uniforms to SAMs to ensure that there are no sexual addictive behaviors occurring during SASG meetings.

(c) Step 3: Treatment of the Last Resort - Treatment of the last resort (TLR) will be mandated when Steps 1 and 2 (as specified under Section 2016 (a) and (b) above) fail to cure the curse of sexual addition. SAs receiving TLR may be required to submit to any or all of the following: the wearing of chastity belts; prohibition of attending certain events such as Mardi Gras celebrations, spring breaks, political campaigns, and PTA meetings; caning; shunning; and/or complete isolation from the general public.

Section 2017 - Funding:

Financing of this Act will be acquired through the normal Federal funding process which will include all of the following: fining SAs who refuse to receive sexual addiction treatment, taxing the rich (i.e. anyone living above the poverty level), and borrowing from the People's Republic of China.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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