Having just come down to visit The Spoof offices after marking Math Books (Maths to my fellow Brits) I came across Chris James' article re Conspiracy Theories.
He's certainly got ME thinking. His name does have a Biblical ring to it. There's definitely something 'fishy' about him. His mind wanders down those beautiful corridors of fantasy for hours on end. He usually manages to find his way back to whatever is 'normal' in 'our' world and does his best to keep us as insane as he is.
I really want to know what he actually does all day, to earn money I mean? He is a prolific writer so I think he is a millionaire recluse. Or perhaps there are a team of 20 writers, writing as Chris James, working in shifts. Yes, that's probably it. In my mind, they all have jobs at MacDonalds, flipping burgers and flipping other things. I bet Chris has been Employee of the Month more than once.
Or, another theory, he's one of those Lotto winners who put down on the form that he didn't want any publicity because he didn't want greedy relatives chasing him for handouts, or friends coming out of the woodwork with woeful tales of poverty, grabbing at his ankles,slobbering and snottering over his two thousand pound Amani trousers.
I DO know one or two things about him, having only met him 'on line' recently at the offices of The Spoof. He is getting paid the same as the rest of the writers who write for The Spoof and I recently hired him as my proofreader because he suffers from OCD and spots every typo or error I make.
I pay him the same rate as we all are paid for our articles. He's much quicker than I am at spotting errors and it saves me from wasting precious time flipping through pages of a dictionary or looking words up on the online dictionaries.
I hope he keeps taking his meds. because the service he provides is amazing. (I don't mean that in any sexual way whatsoever. Keep it clean!)
Another theory of mine is that he IS conspiring with other writers to bring down the Governments of countries all over the world. I don't know anything about politics, but I sense, from reading his articles that he, indeed does.
I believe he's secretly recruiting writers from The Spoof to help him bring down these Governments but he hasn't approached me yet and he probably won't. He knows by now that I couldn't give a damn about politicians, so he's leaving me alone for now, to practise (practice) my writing and spelling skills, whilst putting him up on the pedestal he so deserves.
He seems to know Mark Lowton very well. It's my hope that he doesn't 'get to' Mark and try to corrupt him because Mark seems to be a very nice chap, a very fair chap and, judging my his photos, a very cute chap-but far too young for me (sorry I went a little off topic there)- whilst you just never know what Chris is going to come up with next.
That's part of Chris's charm of course.
If Mark is reading this, please watch your back and your sanity. It's not Chris who is dangerous, but some of the 'others'.
I wish Chris all the luck in the world and mean him no harm because he provides writers with valuable assistance behind the scenes. I just don't want the men in white suits coming and taking him away. He's harmless.
We need more 'people' like Chris James in this sorry world of ours. A world, which incidentally (check the zpelink Chris) is NOT going to end in 2012. Prophets indeed, more like PROFITS with all the money they rake in from their pathetic, mindless followers.
Conspiracy is Chris's middle name. Those of you who 'know him' are aware that he is always looking over his shoulder. It's not that he is paranoid, well, no more so than the rest of the writers here at The Spoof.
I find him to be quite a sensitive guy, prone to little temper tantrums from time to time, admitedly (or admittedly- Chris'll find the write spelling and message me). This adds to his 'charisma' because it shows he has a heart and a conscience, unlike many of the other writers for The Spoof who will increase their points totals through any crooked way they can discover. Most of them stay up all night voting for each others articles.
I have vowed, and so has Chris, to never, ever stoop so low.
I am currently designing a statue in Chris's honour. Yes, I am an artist as well as a teacher and writer. I also tap dance and cook 'mean curries'.
The statue will be made out of cheese - as befitting Chris's numerous published articles.
It's my opinion, now that I have made this know to other writers of The Spoof, that a conspiracy will soon be afoot in order to prevent this statue, a tribute to Chris and his unique style from every been erected.
I plan to see Chris's cheesy erection - so to hell with the conspiracy to be led by jealous writers.
That fact does not worry me in the least because I have the approval and backing of the FBI, CIA, MI5, MI6, KGB, WALLMART, ASDA, TESCOS, SAINSBURY'S, THE POPE and CHUBBY BROWN, to mention but a few.
The employees of the aforementioned agencies, and the individuals named above, have been in contact with me directly, and love Chris's articles so much that they have assured me they will do everything in their power to protect the statue, both during and after its completion.
Indeed, I have been assured by a number of agencies that they will be putting a 24/7 'guard' on Chris's erection.
There is no shortage of volunteers at this point in time.
People are actually queueing up to work their days off just to guard Chris's erection. That just goes to show how popular he is.
Keep watching this space for further news on this truly amazing, gobsmacking story about this truly amazing, gobsmacking writer.