Written by matwil

Saturday, 13 February 2010

The English language (that comes from England); massacring the Red Indians (whose survivors' descendants hate being called 'Native Americans'); avoiding two World Wars while the British risked their entire existence fighting them;

The Oprah Winfrey Show; Tom Cruise movies; believing they're important in a world really ruled from London, Paris, Madrid, Moscow and Beijing;

Not realising they're just a feeble British colony with a British language, British money, weights and measures, British culture and doing whatever Britain and France tells them to (Iraq was invented by Britain, as was the USA, and Vietnam was invented by France - duh);

Believing that US TV news is true; believing that the USA isn't controlled by foreigners; believing that the USA is the 'mightiest country in the world' when it has never won a single war and has lost every won it has fought in on its own.

Er ... well, when 250 American million people are seen as inbred children by 98% of the rest of the world you might just get the hint how unimportant the USA really is.

Other American inventions include - playing rugby with helmets on like big wusses, playing cricket with helmets on like big wusses, electing drug-addicted chimpanzees as Presidents, allowing an entire American city to be destroyed without doing anything about it, having the world's fattest people, allowing little children to buy machine-guns, being scared of the British, Canadians, Australians, Germans, French, Spanish and Leeward Islanders, and believing in Hollywood movies making out how tough and important Americans are when they have achieved absolutely nothing since 1776.

Well, at least you have a flag and national anthem. Both invented by British people. OK, at least you have a republic. Invented by the British. Poor Yankees, they obviously either can't read books written in a British language about their own history or are just a bunch of thumbsucking crybabies that want to put their hands over their ears and shout 'I can't hear you!, I can't hear you!' over and over when others point out these facts to them.

The American Civil War destroyed America when the wrong side won it. OK, the Confederates were defending slavery and many of them were very bad guys, but look at the USA now - a politically correct worldwide joke run by a little boy and American troops in every part of the world that the British and French tell them to go to and fight in, and even worse, Americans actually believing the propaganda bullshit about themselves coming from their own bullshitting government - governments, since 1917.

Hardly the spirit of 'the American Revolution', is it? More like the feeblest country in the world that is now finished - I have more and more American neighbours here every year in the United Kingdom, all glad to be here and away from the land of the whatever dumb American children get brainwashed into believing the USA is. 'The land of the feeble', that's it.

No point in listing British inventions here, as at least 90% of the modern world has been invented by - the British. World-changing ones include the jet engine, television, telephone, steam engine, computer, personal computer and Stilton cheese, are that's only a fraction of the total. But just keep that American inferiority complex going on nicely, it makes all us British, Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders and South Africans have a good laugh!

Who says Americans are now doing what the British and Europeans were doing a thousand years ago? Certainly not Leif Erikson. I mean Christopher Columbus. Americans even had to rewrite their history about being 'discovered' by that explorer when the Vikings already had trade routes to America hundreds of years before that.

The American people are great for generally being tolerant and easy-going and decent nice people, with great music and some amazing fiction writers, and if they stuck to being that they wouldn't get ridiculed. But please don't try and compete with the British and Europeans at being inventors, warriors or even philosophers, and certainly not satirists, it's laughable. America's only satirist Mark Twain died a morose recluse, and no wonder. In countries like Britain and France satire is a daily way of life for millions of people - satirise the USA here and people actually try and reply to it with serious articles claiming Americans can invent important things and win wars! Articles which nobody reads, it's kids' stuff.

When the USA colonises over 90% of the world then we might listen to you. The British are still welcome visitors to the Gaza Strip, the rest of Israel (with some reserve), Iran, and especially in Communist China. Flag-waving, gun-toting patriotic Americans are totally unwelcome in the Gaza Strip, are despised but welcomed by the ruthless Israelis (because they keep sending them weapons and US TV news stations never mention Israeli war crimes), totally unwelcome in Iran, and even less welcome in Communist China.

Please let the British know when you want to learn how to become powerful world rulers and still be respected across that world - and when you become satirists. Til then carry on worshipping a piece of cloth and singing your British-written and nonsensical anthem. The 'land of the free' has the only concentration camp in the Western world. Duhhhhhhhhh!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: America, Invention

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more