Written by Bureau

Friday, 22 January 2010

image for Disappointed In The Old West

After watching all those 'westerns' as a kid and adult, looking up the truth about a lot of those famous scenes from the Old West, and finding out that they simply aren't true, is depressing.

For instance, jumping into the saddle from a barn loft. According to Snopes, anyone jumping into the saddle from a barn loft would not only injure the horse's back..maybe break it, the cowboy would virtually be singing "Whoopee Ki Ya Yo" the rest of his life, as a soprano.

I guess that's where all the yodeling came from.

Also, when a hero cowboy knocks the villain off his horse, usually at the same small mound so they roll together, his hat cannot stay on his head, unless stapled or glued. Scopes tried this out and even when they glued the hat on, the top part came off which made the hero look somewhat like a gumby.

Finally, and this is the one that hurt the most, there was no "Bite down on this here bullet while I take out your kidney!"

Nope, apparently what happened was this (as confirmed by Scopes):

The guy was brought in to have three bullets cut out of his kidney so the whole kidney had to be removed. Therefore, a woman with big hooters, who was paid by the patient as part of the doctor's fee, would come in and take her top off and stand at the bottom of the operating bed so the patient could get a good look at her.

"There that should do it. We had to take the whole kidney out but you got one left. That's all you really need."

"What'd you say, Doc? You mean yore done?'

"Never mind. I said you'll be OK. Maybe hurt for six months or so."

"Right...can she stay and comfort me awhile? It's my first night without my kidney?"

"Sure thing."

You would think that "Lonesome Dove" or any newer western would have included that.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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