The Streets of Bordello Falls (Chapter Four)

Funny story written by Morse

Thursday, 22 October 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for The Streets of Bordello Falls (Chapter Four)
Donkey Sally's Calling Card: 16

The streets of Bordello Falls
Chapter Four
Sally deals in Death

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three

The tumbleweeds blew aimlessly across the end less line of railroad tracks, the sun setting in the west, directly in the eyes of the stranger.

Setting side saddle on a hybrid Missouri Mule which stood at least 15 hands high, the dark stranger plodded on immune to the dust, the sun, and the occasional prairie dog and rattle snake that scuttled in front of him.

Encased from his neck to the tips of his lizard skinned boots in a high plains duster, a well worn slouch hat tilted down and shielding his eyes, his hands encased in black fingerless Orvis shooting gloves, casually controlling the reins of his steed, the stranger focused only on the horizon, and the ultimate destination, Bordello Falls; formerly Bordello Gulch, before the Chamber of Commerce changed the name to encourage English tourism.

Beside the Dark Stranger, loped a hybrid black wolf, all of 140 pounds with yellow eyes, and as focused on the horizon as his master, if indeed, he had a master.

The Mule, the Wolf, the Dark Stranger.....they were known along the trail of the Union Pacific Railway as The Three Dark Messengers of Death. And they were feared!

The man on the mule was known as 'Donkey' Sally, both for the steed he rode as well as for the organ he harbored in his tight fitting range jeans, and then protected with another layer of fine Corinthian Leather Chaps.

'Sally', was actually Salvadore Hightower, the sordid product of a Cape Cod Portuguese fisherman and a Mashbee Indian Squaw, and he inherited the cunning and ruthlessness of both which made him the best at his work.

Sally dealt in Death.

As many a now deceased cow poke found out, he rode side saddle, not because he was a 'sissy' cowboy made famous in a recent homosexual 'talkie' movie, but because his member was so large, he couldn't bother dressing it left or right before mounting the mule. If he had a small dick, and rode a horse cowboy style he would be been named' Mustang Sally' for the purposes of this tale, and a legend before his time.

The Mule! So Docile. So Dumb. But Sooo F****big! 15 hands at the shoulder, and a set of teeth and a kick...well, he too was a lethal weapon as many a rustler had found to his chagrin when he tried to steal him and put him to work hauling supplies to the Gold Rush in California. They soon found out, 'Big Johnson', the mule's name, didn't cotton to no queers trying to ride him to no California. One only had to look at his ears to know that this Mule was nothing to trifle with....they were BIG....almost as big as his teeth!

The future foretold...a donkey with big ears will lead the way to the Promised Land...or in this case Bordello Falls!

'Satan', the big black hybrid wolf had been tamed by Sally after he found him starving after his mother had been poisoned by ranchers. Satan had developed the odd habit of liking Chinese food, a fetish he indulged in whenever he found a straggling Chinese railroad worker alongside the tracks after a hard days work. He too was a killer.

The trio was working on consignment for Chisom Morse, The Rail Road Man, who actually was a Pinkerton, hired by Jay Gould, principal stockholder of the Union Pacific in the 1880's to protect the railroad's interests as they laid their tracks from east to west.

In the two years they had been directed by Morse, they had cleared the area of Chupacabras, dispatched Jesse James, The Clantons, and even had run off Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid to someplace in South America.

All the hostile indians had been bought off and sent away to run their casinos, and the buffalo that had been tearing up good grazing had been sold to Ted Turner and sent to Montana in a huge drive headed up by Robert Duval, and who later in a classic betrayal, rode off with Jane Fonda leaving Ted to deal with a massive pile of buffalo shit that impacted his carbon credits.

The trouble makers that couldn't be bought off, out ,or were too dumb, Sally quickly dispatched, receiving a hefty bounty which he promptly reinvested in his 401K tucked safely away in Barbados.

And Sally always left a calling card on his kills; the Queen of Spades, tucked carefully in the cleft of his latest victims ass crack! Sally was a big believer in Advertising and Marketing.

Did I forget to mention that Sally was Black and allegedly Gay? Well, there you have it. It's out of the broom closet now!

Sally came heavily 'strapped' for work. He carried a pair of .44 Chinese Bone Handled Colts and 'Big Johnson' had 4 custom scabbards in addition to assorted packs, bedrolls, and stacks of dried food, including Dried Donkey Dong Jerky,(ed. note: Dried & Jerky appear to be redundant, Just Sayin) an especial favorite of Sally's, that he carried in custom fitted Donkey Luggage from Harrods.

For close in crowd control Sally preferred the LC Smith 12 gauge double, cut down to 16 inches, 2 inches below the federal standard that had not been enacted yet, since the NRA was not controlled by the Government in 1880.

For the average shoot around he preferred his Winchester lever action with the 24 inch barrel in .45-70. Long range work he had his 7mm German Mauser with laser sights, a new invention being field tested, The last scabbard contained a new weapon he had been sent by a fan from Amsterdam, who called it lovingly "the under da bridge sweeper"...he couldn't wait to try it out!

Sally mused about the Message from Morse (M. f. M.) that had appeared from the mountain at midnight last night...a series of coded blinks from a shielded lantern wielded by a dyslectic former pirate from Manchester, England. Luckily, Sally knew the code backwards and forwards!

He mused on the sudden influx of 'lobsters' to the colonies....he figured it for a quaint annomoly that would soon pass and they would leave rather than learn the language.

Trouble in Bordello Falls! A cosmic convergence of a host of pesky, troublesome personages, one or all of whom could threaten the future of the Railroad, and change the history of the country for decades to come!

That was Morse's Message, including a run down on the cast of characters who were sure to show up and cause trouble for the Railroad Interests and try to derail the rich retirement plans for Morse and Sally! (not together, and certainly not in a gay way)

Sally remembered the Conjoined Twins, 'Diablo', the one with 'rattles' on his hat who sounded like Desi Arnez with a maraca, would be no could here that one 'coming' from a mile, according to his 'crack' source in the Apache Oasis Bordello, Curry, and Chip Bar.

There was a strange new Bobby in problem, as he wouldn't be carrying a firearm, certainly, and he doubted the limey could either charm him with bull shit, or kill him with laughter let alone unarmed combat.
He figured he's let Satan deal with him, just for a change of diet..a bit of leg of lamb would get 'em regular again!

Nick Funson, the sheep dipper, with all his money, influence and political plots, seemed like the most formidable opponent. But Sally's sources also said he was being distracted by a new mistress, as well as his troubles with his non-profit, organic salad oil business, not to mention the pickets from PETA who had found out his ranch hands had been abusing the sheep before slaughtering them, and the 'snuff' films were already circulating in bath houses in San Francisco!

Sally spat distastefully into the dirt.

Big Johnson bared his teeth and spat and shat.

Satan snarled, spat, pissed and drooled.

All thee farted.

They couldn't wait to hit town and go to work!

Chapter five

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more