The Streets of Bordello Falls (Chapter One)

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Wednesday, 21 October 2009


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Bordello Falls was a town too tough to diet!

The Streets of Bordello Falls
Chapter One
The Railroad Is Coming To Town!

Sheriff's Office, Bordello Falls

The railroad was coming to town! The railroad was coming to town! No more would Bordello Falls be a sleepy little mining town twenty miles from Tombstone and fifty miles from nowhere.

Sheriff Clint Cartwright polished his badge and smiled at the thought of the growth and prosperity that would come to his little corner of the desert. He might actually get to preside over a town of more than drunks, prostitutes, dirt farmers, sheep ranchers, drunk miners, drunk prostitutes, drunk sheep ranchers, and a few drunk dirt farmers.

He stood tall as he got up from behind his desk, put on his hat, nodded to his deputy, and stepped out of the Sheriff's office. He walked across the street to slake his thirst and discuss the news with the citizenry.


Two shots caught the sheriff square in the chest and dropped him on the sandy street in front of Apache Oasis Saloon.

Deputy Slim Pickens (who must contractually appear in all Westerns) picked up his squirrel gun and ran for the now lifeless body of his boss. "Goldurn and tarnation! Dagnabbit all to hell! This here's the fifteenth sheriff we've lost in the last eight months," exclaimed Deputy Pickens. "This would happen on a day when we finally get some good news!"

The townsfolk gathered around the body as it lay in their street, now nothing more than a speed bump to stop a few blowing tumbleweeds.

Doctor Vic didn't even have to set down his whiskey (which he never set down, even during surgery) to see that this was more more dead Sheriff to add to the list. The two gallons of blood soaking into the sand did that for him.

Madame Bitters, the owner and operator of the Apache Oasis, and woman in charge of the girls and sheep, took one look at the body and turned to the man now in charge. "Deputy, maybe you'd best wire the Marshall in Tombstone and tell him to send us another Sheriff."

The Campbell-Hatch Saloon, Tombstone
Thirty minutes later, Marshall Wyatt Earp was sitting in his favorite watering hole, chatting with Doc Holiday and Big Nose Kate. His brother Virgil came in, carrying a small piece of paper.

"Wyatt, it looks like they've got problems in Bordello Falls again."

"Don't tell me they've killed another Sheriff? The last one we gave them was actually qualified. I ain't sending any more good men to that hole in the wall to get blown away."

"Well," said Virgil, "the noon stage should be here at about 2:00. We can check and see if they've got any unsuspecting morons who'll take the job."

A short time later, about 3:15, the noon stage pulled into town. First off was Janice Queen, the woman hired to be the new school marm for Bordello Falls (even though she preferred to be called the School Mudder). After her was local Sheep Rancher (actually, Sheep Baron) Nick Funsson. He ran 30,000 head and controlled the sheep ranching industry in these parts. The third person off of the stage was railroad construction manager Chisum Morse.

The last man off was the one that interested the Earps. He was an older, skinny man with a bowler hat and obviously new and uncomfortable boots. As the Dude stepped down, he saw the Marshall eyeing him and asked, "Are you the local constable? I wonder if you might tell me where I can get a pint, check the football scores, and possibly be able to find a position? My name is Ian Skoobinski and I've always wanted to visit your lovely town of Arlington, Texas."

"Mr. Skoobinski," said Wyatt, "let's start at the end. You are in Tombstone, in the Arizona territory. Arlingon is about 800 miles east of here. Second, I don't know what you mean by football scores. Third, we don't serve nothing in pints, but the saloon is behind me."

"Now, if you are looking for a "job" and that is what you mean by "position," we just had one come open. This small, quiet, quaint village about twenty miles from here is seeking a new sheriff. The old one retired due to metal poisoning."

Happy that he had so quickly obtained a position, Sheriff Skoobinski enjoyed some liquid refreshement and then joined the others back on the stagecoach for the short ride to his new home. At first opportunity, he'd wire Mrs. Skoobinski and tell her how wonderful things were in the west. If the job paid well, he'd be able to send for her soon.

The Apache Oasis, Bordello Falls
Madame Bitters sat nursing her drink in her office in the back of her saloon. Sitting with her were some other influential business owners and townspeople. To her right was Doc Vic, the town doctor. He had one hand around one of her girls (it was Ginger in his lap) and the other around his shot glass. Next to the Doc was Bargie, her best customer (even if he did tend to wear out the sheep really fast), who was petting Daisy. To his right was Rodriguez Rodriguez, the town's token Mexican (who would either be the hero's sidekick or get killed off in chapter six) and editor of the local newspaper. Completing the circle was J.B., the village idiot. No one had actually invited him, but he tended to show up whereever and whenever he wanted to.

"I just got a wire from Wyatt," said Bitters. The stage is bringing our new Sheriff, along with a man from the railroad, our new School Marm, and Funsson."

The Doc nodded and said "Well, we know Funsson wasn't responsible for killing the sheriff. He never even met this one and has been in Sante Fe for the last two months."

Bargie nodded and agreed. "I've personally got my eye on that new bartender at the new saloon across the street. It could be him. I think he's INSANE!"

"We could get Father McCarthy to try to get him into the confessional to make him confess," said Ginger from the Doc's lap.

"The only thing Father McCarthy ever takes into the confessional is you girls," said Bitters. "He calls it spreading the word and I never get paid for it."

J.B. picked up his head from the table and said "I like the girls. I like em about seventeen myslef." After that tidbit, he put his head back on the desk and watched himself drool for a bit.

Rodriguez Rodriguez said "I've got a man inside of the Funsson ranch who's undercover and trying to find out why Nick keeps killing our sheriff's. No one has been able to prove it, but we all know it's him."

J.B. chose that moment to stop playing with his spittle and say "I'd like to go undercover with a girl named Spazzledazzle."

At that moment, they heard Alex from the stage line and telegraph office yell outside "The stage is coming in!"

Madame Bitters set down her drink, Doc set down his girl, Bargie quit fingering his sheep, and the three walked outside to greet their new sheriff.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch
Jenny Bigtits was the new girlfriend of Sheep Baron Nick Funsson. Even though she was not Asian (and Nick preferred Asia Babes), she had convinced him that she lived in Thialand for a few years.

Jenny was also the new name for Montgomery Woods, a former man who had only been in Thialand to take part in an elective surgery that helped provide for him his new name and identity. Additionally, Jenny was the secret undercover reporter that Rodriguez Rodriguez had snuck onto the ranch.

Ms. Bigtits sat on Nick's bed and played with her boobs and squeezed her nipples. Let's face it, anyone who was born a man would play with that set at any opportunity, whether or not they were now their own. She was considering what to do next. She'd found, and broken into, the secret wall safe (it was behind a painting, of course). She'd offered herself to the chuck wagon cook, the trail boss, and all of the ranch hands. Even after all of that work, she was still coming up empty handed (except for her left nipple, but that doesn't count).

Well, Nick was supposed to be home tonight. Maybe she could try to coax the secrets out of him in bed (though he tended to be a moaner and not a talker).

Five miles east of town on the Mesa
Hal A. Peno checked on his herd before laying down on his bedroll and turning in for the night. He was a cowboy, and the only cowboy in this western town of miners, sheep ranchers, prostitutes, and drunks.

He only had eight cows, but it was still his herd and he was proud of it.

He tried to do right by his small ranch, but it was really hard to hire a crew to fill a bunkhouse, man a chuckwagon, or do a roundup when you've only got eight cows.

Hal had given all of his cows names. Of course, they were the names of Santa's reindeer and he could never keep them straight, but they were still names. The cows never came when called, but that was because they were cattle and cattle tended to be dumber than a Washington politician with a dead girl in their bed, but that was a different story.

He smiled as he laid with his head resting against his saddle and farted. At least when you are the only cowboy, you don't have to excuse yourself when you fart. His last thoughts as he fell asleep were not happy ones, however. They led to his dreams of revenge against that ruthless, lawless, toothless, hairless, varmint Frankie the Virginian. Frankie had stolen his girlfriend, Smurfette, and taken her back east to his ranch in Benson (where he actually had 16 cattle).

Hal's bad dreams gave him a poor and restless night that was not improved by his rolling over into a cow patty (probably Vixen again).

Stage Coach and Telegraph Office, Bordello Falls
Chisum Morse, the railroad man, was first off of the stage as it finally arrived in Bordello Falls. He looked up and down the strees of the small village. This would be his new home for the next several months as his crew of ex-slaves, Chinese immigrants, and drunk Irishmen worked to bring the railroad to town.

He'd made a pass at the new School Mudder on the trip from Tombstone, hoping she'd share his bed this evening, but she was adament in saying that she was married and that her doctor husband would be in Bordello Falls awaiting her. Oh well, with a name like Bordello Falls, he should be able to find some companionship for the evening.

Janice Queen also surveyed the town. She'd come here for two reasons: to teach school and to find that drunk lush of a doctor husband that had walked out on her. He'd be in big trouble when she found his lying ass!

When Sheep Baron Nick Funsson stepped off the stage, he walked quickly to one of his men who was sitting atop a nearby buckboard. "Let's get to the ranch quickly," he said. "I've got a need and I don't know if I want my girl or my herd first."

Skoobinski stepped off slowly, eased up the brim of his hat, and spit. He missed the ground and hit the boot of his approaching deputy, which was not the impression or greeting he wanted to make.

"You might want to get off the street as quick as you can," said Deputy Pickens. "You might be in a heap of trouble if you make yourself a target like that."


As the old deputy walked his new boss to his room at the boarding house, he was shot in the back and fell to the ground. Dying and gasping for breath, he looked up at the worried face of Sheriff Skoobinski and said, "Tarnation and thunder, but it looks like they got me too. Well, you need to hire either Gabby Hayes or Jack Elam as your deputy now and I think those shots came from the direction of the livery stable."

With that, the Deputy died and Sheriff Skoob stood alone in the streets. The law had come to Bordello Falls, and he had just wet himself.

Click Here For Chapter Two

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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