Written by matwil

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

image for Sea Creatures With Stranger Than Fiction Lifestyles
Ferguson's bluenosed thresher shark

Scientists are discovering more and more strange creatures in the depths of the ocean, many with stranger than fiction lifestyles.

The burning bush crab in the Pacific Ocean makes all sorts of unintelligible noises and falls over its own feet when it tries to walk, and has evolved so that it has to choke on its own food to digest it. Its diet is a mixture of pretzel fish and coca leaves and aquavit water. It is uncertain how the burning bush crab fits into the ocean's life cycle, though once a year it migrates to the sea off the coast of Albania.

The black omaha barnacle is a parasite that feeds off poorly nourished fish near the coast of California. It has huge teeth and special tentacles that point at passing sea animals for no apparent reason, and it also disguises itself as a white warcriminalle prawn to fool burning bush crabs.

Found all over the world's seas and rivers its migration paths are thousands of miles long, and the barnacle has been spotted stuck onto a black jellied eel in London's River Thames, stuck onto a small gallic sarkasitco worm near Brittany, and stuck onto other fish that don't want the parasite across the coasts and in the rivers of Europe. In particular the Black Sea putin shark avoids the omaha as much as possible, as do the Chinese numba twelve wading birds and hoisin swimming dogs.

In the Arctic Ocean a new species of monk fish has been discovered, the clinton angler fish. This creature patiently lies on the ocean floor in the dark waiting for its prey to come near to it, usually a white water starfish though occasionally a black omaha barnacle, and then the clinton uses a long limb to reach out and quickly grab and then suffocate its prey. As it does so it makes its head go into all sorts of grotesque contortions and makes loud underwater shrieking noises to deter other monk fish from mating with it, though mating rarely happens anyway.

And there is the rare American warrior lobster, that makes itself look like an underwater turkey to deceive other predators into leaving it alone. This lobster follows the dangerous British, French, German and Russian trench sharks as they fight to see which of them can get the prize of eating the European deposit box barnacles.

Then when those fish have weakened themselves in a frenzy of violence and aggression, the American lobster crawls along to the barnacles and gets to eat them first. The sharks could have easily eaten the lobster, of course, but now they are too tired and the lobster puffs itself up and goes red and beats its chest as if it is the mightiest creature in all the oceans.

In the Adriatic Sea there is the very odd soldier crab. Like the American warrior lobster it also sits and watches as the sharks all fight one another to death to get to their prey, but before they do the crab suddenly joins one of the shoals of sharks to help them win the fight. And a minute later it scuttles away to join another shoal, thus keeping itself in safety, and it will keep joining up with and then leaving shoal after shoal until the fighting is over. The soldier crab's diet is one of margherita weeds and tutti frutti seeds, and occasionally the white flag oyster.

Madagascar has many unique animals, and that includes marine ones. Bliar's ummer toad usually lives in the sea not far from the land, but will occasionally appear and sit on the sand making is characteristic 'um er' call that gives it its name. During the mating season it finds a wide-mouthed cherry frog, then after that it spends much time back in the sea searching for seaweeds of mass distribution - but oddly never finds them. The rare toad has been largely superceded around Madagascar by the common brown slug.

The slug depends on the American warrior lobster to keep it alive, and migrates across the Indian Ocean and Pacific to America once a year, where the lobster chases it back to Madagascar. Scientists are unsure what the brown slug actually does, but it may be related to Bliar's ummer toad. Brown slugs only mate as a social function, for other slugs will not let it stay near them if it doesn't at least seem to be mating now and then.

And finally there is Ferguson's bluenosed thresher shark, spotted a few times in the Irish Sea. A ruthless predator, it feeds off Portugese spineless jelly fish and ancalotti crabs and rednap spurred cockerel fish, but it also regularly eats black and white referee slugs.

Occasionally devours Beckham's limpets and any green and white shellfish it comes across, but never returns to where it was hatched in the River Clyde, allowing the marine life there some peace. The bluenosed shark seems to be very dangerous and aggressive, though has evolved a strange perception of how time passes, sometimes arriving at where its prey should be as long as seven minutes too late.

However if it arrives on time but its prey takes seven minutes to turn up, the shark goes into an angry frenzy of attacking anything it can find in the area.

All of these newly-discovered creatures may be just a hint of thousands more in the oceans, though one oceanologist - Professor George W. Shrub - said from the University of Texamalious: 'We have high hopes here that there may even exist the leger de - the legender - the mermaid somewhere in that ocean, and why not?'

'Maybe those marmalaids are down there dining on their sealions of mass disantistablishmentarianisms. Heck, Dad said to me a one time, 'Son, see that half-starved tiger shark over there with giant slavering jaws?', and I said 'What tiger?', 'cause it ain't often one of them big cats swims around the Cape of Good Coke, now is it? And he said 'Why not go and make friends with it?', of all the crazy ideas! An' I said 'Dad', 'cause that's his name, 'Dad, you're nuts! How can I make friends with a tiger if I can't speak Tigerese?''

'So we're going mermalaid huntin' this summer, just as soon as I has my 'Danger To Other Swimmers' licence back from the dry cleaners. I reckon the Atlantis Oceamon is the best place to look for 'em, but then again I am the eggman, I am the fried brainman, I am the walrus, goo goo go joob.'

'But let's just a hope that that axis of penguins doesn't start any sea monkey business when I gets into the watering hole, or I'll make them birdies fly right back to where they came from!'

National Geographic are considering making a programme solely devoted to the burning bush crabs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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