PsychoTown - Part 9

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Thursday, 19 November 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Psycho Town Recap: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6| Part 7| Part 8



O' Halloran walks into the station house looking like shit.

"Hey, O' Halloran , you look like shit", says the token black detective.

He's right and O' Halloran knows it. That's the last time he wears his dog turd outfit to work: Halloween and birthday parties are the only occasions where it is suitable.

Changing into a clean suit in the locker room, O' Halloran sees robo female cop enter, braless.

"Hey, Detective, how's it going?", she smiles as she removes her panties and covers her body in marmalade.

"Me? Oh, I'm fine", he says buttoning his collar, "mind if I ask what you're doing?"

"I'm going undercover. As a marmalade-covered robo cop. It's a girl thing, you wouldn't be interested".

"You'd be surprised what I'm interested in", O' Halloran counters.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Lots of stuff. Barbies. Sylvanian Familes. Lazytown -"

"Lazytown?!!", she shrieks excitedly, "I love Lazytown"

O' Halloran smiles back, but realising that he's showing too much emotion for a hard-bitten cop, he catches himself and forms an angry scowl.

"I haven't forgotten you going behind my back last night", he grunts.

"But I thought you liked me taking you up the ass with the toilet brush?"

"No, not that! I meant about you going behind my back and following me to my mystery rendezvous".

"Detective, it was my duty to protect the citizens of this city. I made a solemn vow - or something. I really can't remember. I was pissed out of my mind at the police academy graduation".

"I understand. That was one hell of a shitty series of movies. Anyways, I gotta go. I got a meeting with the Lieutenant".

O' Halloran enters the Lieutenants office and closes the door behind.
"You wanted to see me, Lieutenant?"

"Yeah, you little fuck. Sit down"

O' Halloran notices that the room contains no furniture or chairs. He knows the Lieutenant does this to fuck with people's heads. O' Halloran plays along and sits on the floor, barely peeking over the top of the desk at his supervising officer.

"You're playing mind games, Lieutenant"

"Of course I am. And I was about to score 10,000 points 'til you came in, ya prick!"

The Lieutenant lets go of the joystick and places it on the desk. He means business.

"You really piss me off, O' Halloran, you know that? All the other detectives get on with their job but you seem to always find a way to fuck up. You see this -"

He holds up a letter from the Commissioner and waves it in front of O' Halloran's nose.

"This, Detective O' Halloran, is a personal letter from the big chief telling me how upset he was to discover that this series of grizzly murders have yet to be solved".

"I'm working on it. All I need is time".

"Time? O' Halloran, you've been dicking around letting the suspects escape and getting nowhere. At least we've got the giant bitch in custody, at least, but no solid evidence to link her to anything - apart from she being at the location of the two murders, her excrement being used to write the messages on the walls and a confession we beat out of her. Once she wakes up from the coma and gets a lawyer she'll be back out on the streets, looking in shop windows and pissing in public toilets like every one else in this shitty town. We need to nail this case solid!"

O' Halloran isn't listening. He's distracted by the crime scene photos and notes stuck to the wall. Aside from the fact that they really shouldn't be in the Lieutenant's room, O' Halloran ignores that little oddity and focuses on the images. Carla Bruni. Gisele. Jimmy Saville. Giant women. Shit-stained walls. No Genitals.. It all must link somehow….

The Detective remembers what the seven-foot woman said to him in the previous chapter. Aliens, she said. It sounds so ridiculous, but now that he thinks about it it's not so far-fetched in a story whose plot is already so convoluted and shitty. The giant woman's advice about looking closer to home…
O' Halloran rises and makes an announcement.

"I don't think she did it, Lieutenant"

"You what?!!!"

"I think this case is bigger than Jesus".

"Bigger than the Beatles?", the Lieutenant says incredulously.

"Fuck yeah. I think that this all revolves around an alien conspiracy to take over the World and may lead to global destruction on a scale unheard of since the dinosaurs went extinct"

"I'm a Creationist, Detective. I don't believe in dinosaurs. It's Jesus, the Beatles and nuthin' else"

But O' Halloran isn't listening. He believes in the evolution theory and he's also certain that Aliens have hatched a fiendish plot, which will only be revealed in several chapters time.

"I'm going out, Lieutenant, and I may be some time. I'm taking robo female cop with me. We're gonna get to the bottom of all this together….as a team."

"That's sweet, O' Halloran. I'm real pleased you and the recruit are getting along, really, really am. But I'm only giving you 24 hours before I pull the plug on this. You better get results or your ass is on the line".

"I wish you'd leave my ass out of this. What harm has he ever done to you?"

"He ate my hat"

"Hmmm, well its as good a reason as any I suppose. Just don't make him walk the tightrope until I solve this bitch of a case"

O' Halloran exits, ready to take on the next increasingly monotonous chapter.

Continue to part 10

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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