PsychoTown - Part 5

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Friday, 13 November 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Psycho Town Recap: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4


O' Halloran parks on the far side of the street to Bastard Plaza. The place is a dumping ground for all the low-life scum in the city. O' Halloran knows this because he used to live here until he was evicted for playing Rastafarian music loud during Mormon holidays.
Both the detective and the robo female get out and cross the street and go inside.

O' Halloran counts the numbers on the doors.

"98, 99, 100, … 101 - bingo!", he smirks as he raps on the door.

No reply.
"Open up, Saville, it's the police!".

He's gonna have to do this the hard way, he thinks, but the robo female notices that the door is unlocked and slightly ajar.
"Keep back, I'm going in first", O Halloran instructs as he pushes open the door and enters cautiously.

He can hear a slapping sound coming from the bedroom. Somebody in danger? Another vic?
He kicks open the bedroom door and rushes inside, water pistol (he doesn't belive in real guns) drawn and cocked.

"Freeze, sucka!!!!"

Seated in a wheelchair is an old guy with white hair smoking a cigar. It's Saville.
Across his knee is a baboon and he's bringing his hand down hard across it's bottom.
Both parties seem shocked by each other's presence.

"Stop spanking the monkey, Saville, and put your hands where I can see them", shouts O' Halloran as he comes closer.

The baboon screeches and climbs back inside a cage and shuts the cage door tightly, it's ass as red as a baboon's ass can be.

"You're one sick shit, Saville, but the jig is up. You're coming downtown with me"

"What for?", asks Saville surprised, "I 've done nothing. Spanking the monkey isn't illegal, copper. He's above the age of consent."

"Murder, Saville. I know you killed that genital-less man and wrote in shit on the walls of that house, you sick bastard".

"No way, copper. I'm an innocent man. Look at me…"

Saville points to the fact that he's in a wheelchair and he has no legs.
O' Halloran seems unconvinced.

"Get up and walk, you faker. You can't fool me", he shouts as he drags Saville from the wheelchair.
Saville drops to the floor and begins clawing about uselessly.

"You know what, Detective?", says robo female, "I think we may have the wrong man. This guy isn't capable for murder. He can barely move let alone murder somebody".

She may have a point, O' Halloran thinks to himself. Maybe there's more to this sexy robo female cop than he gave her credit for.
O' Halloran grabs Saville my the collar and hoists him back up into the wheelchair, then gives him a few slaps about the jowls.

"You're a cold-eyed killer, Saville. Once a killer always a killer in my book. Whaddaya know about the dead guy and the writing in shit? Spill it, bozo!"

"Honest, I know nuthin'.", he trmebles, "I never killed no one. I was set up to take the fall".


"It's true. It's true I tells ya! I was framed by a dirty rotten dame."

"A dame, eh? This dame got a name?"

"I never got her name. But she was tall. Real big. With firm breasts and legs that went on for ever"

O' Halloran curses himself. He should have known not to trust that seven-foot broad.
She played him like a cheap ukulele - one of those shitty ones with plastic strings and pictures of sunflowers painted all over.

"Why should I believe a word out of your mouth, Saville? You spent decades inside. As far as the world's concerned you're word means jackshit"

"I never harmed nobody. I used to present a TV show. I would make kids dreams come true. Everybody liked me, even though I knew they thought I was a bit odd and creepy. I'd let kids do really shitty things like meet a semi-famous celebrity or drive an army tank, that kind of crap. But one day I got this letter asking to be a model - not just any old kind of anorexic model, but a Playboy model. I threw it away but I kept getting more of the exact same letters week in week out. Some would arrive at my home address."

"And what happened?", asks the robo female cop as she draws nearer.

"She turned up on my doorstep one day demanding to be taken to the Playboy Mansion. I told her to fuck off and soon after that I discovered a headless, handless, footless body floating in my Jacuzzi".

"You have a Jacuzzi?", asks O' Halloran interested.

"Yeah, makes my anus go all tingly".

"Really? How does it make your balls feel?"

The female robo cop pulls O' Halloran aside for a private conference.

"You need to stay focused, Detective. If what he's saying is true, then we've got a serial killer on the loose in the city and who knows when she'll strike next"

"Don't worry, sugar-lips. I know exactly where our fiendishly sexy killer is staying. Next stop the Shit Hole Motel. To the batmobile!"

Continue to part 6

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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