PsychoTown - Part 6

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Sunday, 15 November 2009


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Psycho Town Recap: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

The Shit Hole Motel, a dirty, smelly shithole of a motel. The name says it all really.
O' Halloran approaches the motel manager, a skinny little wrinkle-faced guy with hairy shoulders.

"You seen a sexy seven-foot broad pass through here lately, bub?"

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't", he says rubbing his thumb and forefinger together in that international gesture for wanting to be paid - or miniature masturbation.
O' Halloran slips some notes into his greasy palm. Am, D#, G and Dm7.

"That should be enough to make a pop song out of", O' Halloran says as he watches the manager checking the merchandise.

"Yeah, I rented a room to her. Number 7, right down near at the bottom."

O' Halloran walks off with the robo female cop in close pursuit.

"Shouldn't we call for backup?", she asks

"Backup? You don't know nuthin', sister. Cops don't back each other up. We bitch, we moan, we make jokes about each other. But never backup. That's just a movie invention. Never happens. You're on your own in this job."

"That's clearly a lie, Detective. You just wanna make this collar yourself, don't you?"

"You catch on pretty fast for a lesbian, sweetcheeks", he chuckles.

"I am not a lesbian!"

"Oh yeah? ", he sounds surprised, " I thought all you robotic female cops enjoyed munching the metal, so to speak".

"Its quite obvious that you are gay, Detective, so I don't understand why you keep trying to pick on me"

"I don't know where you got that crazy idea, toots, but I'm all man"

"You fondled the behinds of every male in the office before we left, you talk incessantly about balls, cocks and penises; you are wearing a t-shirt with 'Proud to be Gay' underneath your coat and you're even humming a show tune right now this very minute, for Gods sake!"

"It's all in your tin head, babe", he smirks as he continues humming a song from Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. "I dream a dream…."

Room 7.
"You make yourself useful and go around back in case she tries to make a break for it", instructs O' Halloran as he once again draws his water pistol.

With a sudden burst of energy, O Halloran kicks down the door and storms inside screaming a stream of obscenities..

"Hands on your head, freeze, motherfucker, ass licker!!!!!"

The room is empty.
Robo female cop comes in through the back way and shakes her head.

"Shit! Too late", O; Halloran kicks the bed in frustration.

Something stirs beneath the sheets. An arm topples out. O' Halloran draws back the sheets and reveals another mutilated corpse lying in a pool of fresh blood.

"Shee-it!", O' Halloran curse as he scans the rest of the room for another message. There it is, up high on the wall written in smelly brown shit: "Gisele".

"Isn't she..?", the robo officer asks.

"Yeah. The hot babe married to that NFL guy", O' Halloran cuts in.

"I don't get it, Detective. First Carla Bruni now Gisele…"

"I get it. I understand all too well. They're all names of slightly creepy models who've either married or dated richer or more powerful men than themselves in order to ensure that they remain wealthy long after their looks have faded".

"And the corpses?", she asks.

O' Halloran pulls down the underwear of the latest victim.

"No penis. Same as before. Both Bruni and Gisele only ever went for men with questionable sexuality or small cocks."

"You mean Eric Clapton had a small cock and Leonardo DiCaprio was a creaming queen?", robo female officer asks stunned.

"Of course. And the President of France has a tiny dick and so does that Tom Brady guy. I've seen them both in Playgirl magazine centrefolds I keep under my mattress".

The detective picks up the phone to call this one in and as he waits he lets the robo female cop in on what he think is going on.
"I was so stupid. Only a seven-foot woman could have written these messages so high on the wall. I should have seen it sooner but my dick was leading the way instead of my tiny brain."

He slaps his penis. Hard. How dare it lead him down the wrong path.

He gets through to the station.
"Hello? Yeah, this is Detective O' Halloran at the Shit Hole Motel. I wanna put out an APB for a seven-foot sexy woman with long luscious legs and pert breasts…..yeah, I said pert….. Get me everything you've got. I want her brought in. Use whatever force is necessary…..Oh, and send a mortuary truck to room number 7. We've got a crazy serial killer on the loose in PsychoTown."

Continue to part 7

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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