PsychoTown - Part 7

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Monday, 16 November 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Psycho Town Recap: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

"So let me get this straight in my mind before I attempt to explain this shit-storm to the Chief", Lieutenant Kowalski spits as he circles the room on his unicycle.

"You released a seven-foot female witness and directed her to go to a sleazy Motel on the shitty side of town where a body is found in her room minus a head and some limbs. But, hold on, it turns out she most likely is a serial killer with a penchant for murdering guys without genitals and writing with shit on walls", he stops to dramatically to digest the situation.

"I know it sounds bad, Lieutenant…", O' Halloran interjects.

"Bad? BAD?????!!! Are you fucking nuts. Not only are you a silly prick, you're a silly prick who may just have caused the death of some sorry son-of-a-bitch, you dumbfuck!".

The Lieutenant then directs his ire towards the robo female cop who skittishly lurks by the door.
"And where were you? I wanted you to keep an eye on this sack of shit for me".

She shrugs her robotic shoulders.

Unimpressed, the Lieutenant dismounts from his unicycle and tosses it into the corner next to his beach ball and hula-hoop.
"I should've sent the stereotypical German cop with no sense of humour instead. At least he'd be efficient and reliable. Never trust a fucking female robotic cop….", he grumbles.

He slumps down in his chair and waves his hand signaling both them to leave his office.

When the room door slams shut, O' Halloran turns to the robo female cop.

"I'm sorry you had to see that", he says.

"It's ok. I've seen plenty of fat men riding around on one-wheel bikes before".

"But you didn't deserve it. I know I'm going out of character slightly here, but it's late and it's been a long night. Do you have anyplace to stay? Or would you like to come home to my crummy, fly-ridden apartment and make sweet, sweet love?"

The robo female cop stares lovingly into O' Halloran's eyes.
"I would like that very much", she smiles.

A darkened bedroom with a flashing neon sign buzzing outside is filled with the incessant creaking and groaning of bedsprings. Silhouetted figures turn towards each other.

"Now that you've felt how springy my bed is, how's about we remove our clothes and have sex?", O' Halloran growls using his most seductive tone.

"There's one thing you should know first", she says, "I have a hard metal vagina. It's not designed for the insertion of, ……you know", she blushes as only a metal faced woman can blush.

"It's ok, baby, its oral sex I crave more than anything else right now"

They fall into each other's arms and make mad, passionate robotic/human love.

3 minutes later they lie side by side in bed.
O' Halloran takes one of his Homosexual branded cigarettes from the box by the bedside table and lights it with that dragon-shaped lighter he found on that dead body last month.

"Nothing like a fag in bed", he grins as he exhales a plume of smoke.

"Now that we've had intercourse and shared the most sacred bond two people can enjoy with each other, does this mean that our working relationship will be much stronger?", the robo female asks.

"Fuck no!", he categorically answers, "I'm a hard-drinking, two-timing, deadbeat cop who cares about nobody and no one but himself and his donkey".

"Of course I am disappointed, but I understand because I am a robot and robots are programmed to understand the shitty habits of humans".

She gets out of bed and dresses.
"Can we talk about the case?", she asks.

"Sure. Talk is cheap. Except when you need to pay a former president or prime minister to speak at a function. Then you're talking crazy money to get a word out of their corrupt mouths".

"This woman - the one that may be the serial killer?"

"Yeah, What about that firm-breasted bitch?"

"Are you in love with her?"

"I love her tits and her ass. Nuthin' more….well, maybe her sleek legs".

"So, if I was to kill her - say, during an attempted arrest - would you be upset?"

"I hope it doesn't come to that. I really, really do….", O' Halloran slurs as he dozes off to magical slumberland.

Just then the phone rings loudly.
"Shit! And just when I was about to enter the gates of magical Slumberland…", O' Halloran curses as he picks up the receiver.

"Yeah? This is O' Halloran. This better be something good!"

"Twenty minutes from now. The old abandoned warehouse. Come alone", says a voice distorted electronically.

"Who is this?"

"Be there or be square".

The line goes dead.

"Who was that?", asks the sleepy robo female cop.

"A mysterious stranger. I gotta leave. Keep the bed warm for me until I come back. I have something I gotta do".

"Something you gotta do? At this hour?"

"Listen, baby, I'm a cop and a cops gotta do things that civilian's just don't get, ok?", he says patronisingly.

"But I'm a cop too!".

"You aint a hard-nosed, alcoholic, rough-around-the-edges, scratch-my-balls type cop though, darlin'. No. This is personal business. A little robotic lady like should stay in bed or bake cookies or catch up on some sewing", he says, patting her on the ass.

O' Halloran walks out of the room. Then he walks back in because he forgot to get dressed. It's kinda chilly out tonight: better wear pants.

Continue to part 8

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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