I don't want to swim with dolphins

Funny story written by Rob Barratt

Monday, 7 September 2009


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I don't want to swim with dolphins

I like dolphins and I like swimming but I just don't want to put the two together. Intellectually, I have an inferiority complex when it comes to these sea mammals. Just give me something more stupid, like a sheep or a chicken and I'll swim with it. Or maybe goldfish. The American Navy used them to seek out sea mines so I suppose they were the first suicide bombers in a way. this is essentially a list of all the things I would rather do than swim with dolphins.

I don't want to swim with dolphins by Rob Barratt

I'll take a hike on the mountain bike
I escaped from Center Parcs on
I'll wine and dine with old Rick Stein
I'll even listen to Jeremy Clarkson

I'll spend two weeks with Jesus freaks
I'll stay a month at Pontins
I'll go on a date with your ugliest mate
But I don't want to swim with dolphins

I'll do an overland trek to Tooting Bec
I'll camp out in the wild
I'll row to France, eat tropical ants
Have a bath in Banks's Mild

Yes, I'll ride camels and appropriate mammals
Whatever sort you're wantin'
I'll dance in the nude in the streets of Bude
But I don't want to swim with dolphins

I….. don't…. want …. to
Ride on a dolphin … with you
They might give me dolphin fever
They probably don't want to swim with me … either
Dolphins … smell …. of …. fish
Swimming with them is my death wish
They're …. fast … and … clever
I'm not getting in with them - ever!

I'll wear a daft hat and look like a prat
I'll dress up in high heels
I'll lie in front of a double decker bus
And roll under the wheels

I'll go for a ride on a big death slide
Or those silly buggies they play golf in
Give me an injection of viral infection
But I don't want to swim with dolphins

They … can …. read your mind
They're kinda spooky… I find
Killer whales eat dolphin meat
Dolphins don't have hands or feet
They … know … what you're thinking
Squeaking funny squeaks and blinking
A dolphin can communicate
But I don't want one as my mate

You can lock me up in Bodmin Jail
And treat me like a criminal
You can torture me with over-ripe brie
Or messages subliminal

Let's hope there's not another, but I'll watch Big Brother
I'll buy a Teasmade made by Goblin
(sing as Elvis doing "Blue Suede Shoes")
I'll do anything that you want me to do
But uh-uh honey…. (spoken) I don't want to swim with dolphins

They … swim … in the sea
I'm a land animal …. that's me
They … can … do … tricks
Dolphins … make … strange … clicks
I've been wary of them since I was a nipper
I … never … did trust Flipper
After they've done military kamikaze
They'd find swimming with me rather blase

I'll share my flat with a sewer rat
Or anything that's feral
I'll give away my wealth, endanger my health
And put my life in peril

I'll stand in the rain, suffer endless pain
I'll read Lord of the Rings by Tolkien
I'll play computer games, I'll walk through flames
But I don't want to swim with dolphins

(To the theme tune of "Flipper", the 1960's TV series)
They call him Flipper, Flipper
Faster than lightning
No one you see
Is smarter than he
And we know Flipper
Lives in a world full of wonder
But he'll push me under
And I'll drown in the sea

I don't want to swim
I don't want to swim
I don't want to swim with dolphins

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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