The following is a question and answer column that appears within the Sports Sphere magazine.
Dear Sports Sidekick: Myself, my wife, my mother-in-law, and our 37-year-old as yet unmarried daughter Bixie Sue recently attended a NASCAR Race in our hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana. The race featured some of the top national racers such as Darby "Bourbon Breath" Hooperhaufer, Ozzie "Fanbelt" Flickfeldt, and Gaucho "Lap Lap" Lapizrojo. Counting our party of three, there were only a total of 17 people in the grandstands. Why?
Sparky Bigbee,
Shreveport, Louisiana
Dear Sparky: Well first of all I need to correct you. And believe me I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything Sparky, but there were actually four in your party and not three as you wrote, but anyhow. The reason that there has been a tremendous drop in NASCAR attendance is because of the nation's economic situation. You and I are still lucky. We still have jobs, but a lot of folks don't. And so they are having to spend their money on everyday necessities, things like food, medicine, deodorant, Hostess Twinkies, and beer.
Dear Sports Sidekick: Now that he has been released from prison and joined the Philadelphia Eagles as their starting quarterback how do you think Michael Vick will do this season?
Forsando Flatwood,
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Flatwood: I think he'll do good just as long as he executes and stays focused...and of course as long as he doesn't bite anyone.
Dear Sports Sidekick: Do you think that the Williams sisters should retire from tennis?
LaStarselle Roxboro,
Memphis, Tennessee
Dear Starselle: First of all I like your name. I had a great grandmother who used to bake and sell chocolate biscuits door-to-door back in Cheyenne, Wyoming. But she spelled her name with four l's, Starselllle.
But Starselle, to answer your question, yes, absolutely. They should have retired last year. I wonder do the sista's not have a mirror or what? They are no longer easy on the eyes. In fact that train left the station for Katmandu a long long time ago. And personally, if I want to see that much cellulite I'll take a tour of the Borden's Cottage Cheese plant in Queens.
Dear Sports Sidekick: Do you think that NASCAR will make it in Iceland?
Bubba Chatanicka,
Charlotte, North Carolina
Dear Bubba: My gut feeling tells me that it won't. And it's not because of the fact that the year-round temperature average is 7, but because of the fact that there are only 11,000 people living in Iceland and only 6 say that they are NASCAR fans.
Dear Sports Sidekick: Hey Mr. Big Time sports columnist when are you figurin' on paying your dad and me that damn $150 you borrowed from us last Valentine's Day?
Your Mom, (Gertrude)
Lickskillet, Ohio
Dear Mom: You can write me with a question about baseball, basketball, NASCAR or your personal favorite bullriding, but do not, I repeat do not ever write me a personal, and highly embarrassing letter such as this one again. And by the way, you should be receiving my friggin' $150 Bank of America check within two days. But do not cash it until next Tuesday.
Coming in the next edition of Sports Sphere Magazine. Ten Reasons Why You Have Never Heard Of A Bullfighter Taking Steroids.
