I Twitter. Therefore I Am?

Funny story written by Ed E. Druckman

Friday, 24 April 2009


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(New York-NY) I confess. I Twitter. I feel compelled to say that I have been on Twitter since the beginning of the year, not exactly the cutting edge, though not like the fair weather, fad Twitters like Oprah Winfrey. I thought more of her to jump on the followers bandwagon of Ashton Kutcher. She probably bought a CB radio when it was a fad as well. But the confession is not that I Twitter, but that I like it.

Who'd have thought me, a 56 (soon to be 57) year old guy from Massapequa, Long Island would embrace this? But first a pause for those of you my age and older, Twitter is basically a community web site where you answer the question "What am I doing?" The answer to it can be just that, "I have ripping GERD." Actually, I do. I get it every month around alimony time. Or it can be posting a link you find interesting. NOTE: If you do this, YouPorn doesn't go over well. Who knew? The key is that the answer is limited to 140 characters, and yes, Whoopi Goldberg, spaces count.

The Twitterverse is fairly expansive. By now you know Ashton Kutcher for his challenge to CNN's breaking news feed to see who would reach one million followers. But there is also Shaqullie O'Neal, Britney Spears, Barack Obama and his alter ego BizarreObama.

There are fictional characters with large followings, like "Mad Men's" Betty Draper and, of course, her alter ego, Bad Betty Draper. You'll even find God, Satan, Hitler and Baby Hitler. Do a Twitter search and try to be as arcane or odd as you can, and most likely you'll find someone with that character or the actual person.

With this rich cast of characters, both real, not real and real role playing as the real and not real, the answer to the question, "What are you doing?" got me to thinking. How would certain famous and infamous people answer that? So I bring you…

The Top Ten Twitter Answers To ""What Are You doing?"

10. "Trying to remember to sleep with my ass to the wall."-Bernie Madoff
9. "Bernie Madoff."-Coco, Bernie Madoff's cell mate
7. "Booking my next Thailand sex tour, uh, vacation."-John Mark Karr
6. "Parole hearing, will it be lucky 350?"-Charles Manson
5."Save the cigar story for the third date."-Monica Lewinsky
4. "Stop looking around when they say "Mr. President."-Barack Obama
3. "Stop answering when the say "Mr. President."-Hillary Clinton
2. "Going through waterboarding to disprove it's torture not a good idea with pacemaker."-Dick Cheney
1. "Not retiring for the next 10 years."-Anyone with a 401K

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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