Beyond Your Ken

Funny story written by Bob Makransky

Thursday, 19 March 2009

My Transcendant Wholistic Anti-Dualistic Dharmic Law of Everything, which I refer to by the acronym, A.B.A.T., is beyond your ken. How could it not be, since it is Dharmically-Revealed, Integral Virtually Everything Law - the product of an Integrally-Developed, Integrally-Overarching Theorist?

I came to the A.B.A.T. only after many, many years of deep meditation, studying at the feet of hundreds of fully enlightened masters of all traditions - Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu, Christian, Scientological. Only by absorbing the ineffable wisdom of wholly illuminated masters and thereby arriving at a state of supreme enlightenment and not-Self myself; not to mention studying thousands of hierarchical schematics from all branches of science, from epistemology to proctology, to - you know - make the thing sound scientific; not to mention scrutinizing ancient Egyptian, Chinese, Mayan, alchemical and kabbalistic etc. manuscripts; was I able at last to confect a masterful pastiche of everybody else's theories so that, by the law of averages at least, some of it's got to be right, right?

And then as undoubtedly it hit Archimedes in his bathtub, was my peerless and prodigious intellect able to catch the merest glimpse of the essence of Truth: that everything that is or could ever be is a Whole Hole! The simplicity of this truth is stark in its profundity. In Eastern philosophy the Hole is a universal symbol for Emptiness, Shunyata, the Formlessness of which Form is formed. And the Whole Hole - the unity of emptiness - can be encompassed in the simple tetragrammaton A.B.A.T., which is short for All Barfs, All Turds; and which is itself an abbreviation for the broader, Wholly Holistic All Barfs, All Turds, All Burps, All Farts, etc. etc. How Simple! How wise God is to have reduced everything that exists and is beyond existence to such an obvious (to a fully-illuminated mind, at any event) palpability!

To briefly explain the inexplicable: there is P.B.B. (Pre-Big Bang) and P.B.B. (Post-Big Bang). In the first instance the Whole Hole - that is to say, all matter and energy in the universe - are gathered together in what can be thought of symbolically as a self-contained, spherical entirety, which is symbolized by the Cosmic Turd; and the Post Big-Bang can similarly be considered the Cosmic Barf. Some of my critics have stupidly accused me of inconsistency, since if P.B.B. is symbolized by the Cosmic Turd then a shallow, unilluminated intellect would naturally suppose that P.B.B. should be symbolized by some sort of Projectile Diarrhea - the kind that splatters all over the toilet bowl and even encrusts the underside of the toilet seat. Of course this is a completely naïve, unenlightened view, which can be refuted as follows: for the two-fold structure of A.B.A.T. to multiply or square itself into a four-fold structure more representative of Science, and scattered throughout the universe everywhere you look, then the Gross (and I capitalize that word) aspects of matter symbolized by Turd and Barf have to be balanced in turn by the more Ethereal Farts (the ethereality of Turd) and - ta dum, ta dum - Burps, of course, which are the ethereality of Barf (not, as my critics suggest, Projectile Diarrhea, which has no ethereality). It's quite simple after all, if you think about it (and if it's within your ken).

According to the Transcendant Wholistic Anti-Dualistic Dharmic Law of Everything- the ramifications of which only a fully enlightened intellect steeped in Not-Self could possibly comprehend, and even that in stages, since there is a Level 1 A.B.A.T. theory which I arrived at when I first became fully illuminated, and which has grown increasingly sophisticated and ramified over the years as my own enlightenment and cosmic grasp of Not-Self deepened, so that the A.B.A.T. (unlike other, inferior theories, such as those of my critics) is constantly evolving and becoming more and more encompassing, having grown from the All Barfs, All Turds of Level 1, through the All Barfs, All Turds, All Burps, All Farts, etc. of Level 2; until at this point I'm up to Level 13 in which etc. etc. is replaced by All Pee, All Hiccups, All Jissom, All Snot, All Pus, All Menstrual discharge, All Halitosis, All Gonorrhea drippings, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Thus in the All Barfs, All Turds, All Burps, All Farts, etc. etc. model we have not only a perfect representation of quantum physics, but also a Great Chain of Being symbolizing the descent of Spirit into Matter (taken in reverse order from the more Ethereal to the more Gross, namely All Farts, All Burps, All Turds, All Barfs); The Four Elements (Barfs = Water, Turds = Earth, Burps = Air, Farts = Fire); The Four Marx's (Barfo, Turdo, Burpo and Farto); The Four Humors (Ha, HaHa, HaHaHa, and HoHoHo); etc. Also subsumed under the A.B.A.T. are natural selection, the second law of thermodynamics, the continuum hypothesis, phylogeny recapitulating ontogeny, neither a borrower nor a lender be, I before E except after C, the musical scale Every Barf Turd Burps Farts; and so on. You can even see this universal archetype at work in the opening lines of the Constitution of the United States: "We the Barfs of the Turds, in order to form a more perfect Burp, establish Farts, insure the domestic Barfs, provide for the common Turds, promote the general Burps, and secure the blessings of Farts … " and so on and so forth. We have here, in the A.B.A.T., Transcendant Wholistic Anti-Dualistic Dharmic Laws of Everything. Indeed, I founded the Institute for Developing Integrally Overarching Theory to Study Transcendant Wholistic Anti-Dualistic Dharmic Laws of Everything for the express purpose of getting back to basics.

This is so amazingly enlightened and comprehensive that I can barely understand it myself! My mind is soaring, soaring, soaring! Luckily there's Not-Self there so there's nothing to soar (whew!). For such incredible profundity to have been revealed to a mere mortal such as myself beggars description! I can only conclude that I am not a mere mortal, but am God incarnate! That's how I know all this, how all of this was revealed to me! Duh! Why didn't I think of it before! Of course! The Whole Hole! Not Self! Of course! All Barfs All Turds! Dharmically-Revealed, Integral Virtually Everything Laws! Eureka!

It cannot be expected that the unilluminated hoi polloi could possibly grasp such profundity, so do not worry. True wisdom is beyond your ken.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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